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The Latest

Metra Quiet Car Converting to Screaming Car Effective January 1st

Workers can scream about any topic they wish once aboard the screaming car, including politics, healthcare premiums, environmental collapse, stagnant wages, gentrification, or simply shriek endlessly into the void until arriving at their destination.

Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine

The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.

Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week

“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.” 

Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”

City Introduces New Gladiator Battle Program for Dispensary Licenses

Quite a few hopeful applicants arrived at city hall in the hours after the press conference, aiming to be among the first to chisel their names into the Arena Entrant tablet.

People Who Call It "Charbucks" Beginning To Suspect They Might Be Losing Culture War

"I guess we just kind of assumed if we continued to draw attention to the fact that Starbucks coffee—let’s be frank here—tastes burnt by saying that we called it ‘Charbucks,’ people would eventually develop better taste,” said Louisa Heck, 38, an assistant curator of paintings of blobby baby Jesus for the Art Institute of Chicago."

Disillusioned Chicagoan Excited To Lay Into Some Other Dump On Work Trip

"I hate the streets, I hate the public transit, I hate the weather...but lately it’s all seemed a little rote, you know?"

New Apartment Somehow Four Buses Away From All Trader Joes’ In City

“My last apartment was kind of in the middle of nowhere, so I got used to finding groceries wherever I could—Walgreens, ALDI, the bags of long-grain rice my neighbor threw through my window every Tuesday—your usual neighborhood go-tos. But I thought this new place would change some things.”