The Latest

Green Dye Filtered Out of River and Returned to Chicago’s Relish Supply

The vibrant green dye will now be returned to where it belongs, our city’s relish supply.

Pileup on the 606, Over 30 Shoes Scuffed

“It was carnage,” said runner Aubrey Howard, 28. “I was probably 20, 30 meters away when I saw the pileup happening, but at that range there’s really no avoiding it. As a runner, if I have to stop, or go around something, I will literally die.”

CTA Narrows Down Search for Private Security Team to “Seven Wandering Ronin” or “Experimental Law-Cyborg”

“Clearly this is a hard decision. Both groups have laid out impressive strategies for keeping Chicago’s trains safe, but ultimately we’re going with whoever makes the most sense for the city’s budget without taking one thin dime away from the police force.”

City Passes Bill Requiring All CPD Bullets Be Organic

At press time, Lightfoot was reportedly working on an executive order to replace riot control’s metal batons with ones made from banana trees.

Chicago Residents Across City Sighted Hissing, Baring Fangs at Sun

In Bridgeport, one of our tippers, Di Champaign, 61, reported that she saw an entire family of four alternately gnaw on the exterior of their station wagon and howl in terror, shying away from any attempts to calm them. “The Trevors had always been so normal,” Cunningham reported, “So it was pretty shocking to see them entirely ruin the nice leatherette inside that car by shitting and pissing in agony.”

Catholics Consider Just Giving Up For Lent

“Most people choose to give up a vice like alcohol, sugar or sports betting for lent,” said Father Oscar Rivera, 53, “as a way to show Jesus ‘I’m not addicted, I can quit anytime I want.’ I’m getting more and more questions from my congregation about just giving up completely for Lent. Really just saying ‘fuck it.’ Personally I say go for it. It’s easier than giving up sports betting, let me tell you.”

Crime Rate Expected to Drop to Zero as Chicago Adopts Justice Reform Initiative Suggested by Indiana Man in Facebook Comment

MICHIGAN CITY, IN – Crime in Chicago is expected to drop to zero as the city adopts a comprehensive justice reform package first suggested in a Facebook comment by Buck Johnson, 72, of Michigan Cit

Beautiful Son of the Winged Hussars Laid Low by Fourth Pączki

AVONDALE—Despite the fact that his veins course with the hot blood of medieval Europe’s most formidable shock cavalrymen, sources report that local son of the Polish winged hussars Gerry Cheblowski

Chicago’s Olympians Welcomed Back With Garland of Sport Peppers

As our fine Chicago athletes celebrate their return from Beijing, they can enjoy nibbles from their garlands and another gift from the city: a coupon for a free one-topping pizza at Aurelio’s Pizza! Welcome home!  

Chicagoan Packs Up, Begins Entirely New Life One ‘L’ Stop Away

“I just need a fresh start, away from everyone and everything, in a place where no one will recognize me and I’ll never bump into anyone from my old life.“ said Sarah. “So about a 15 minute walk away.”