The Latest

Emergency Cargo Shorts Broken Out of Glass Case as Temperatures Hit 50

“I’ve just always been more comfortable in shorts,” said Sanderson, gesturing toward his extremely pale legs, “and like, I know if I wear shorts outside when it’s zero I could permanently damage my testicles, but when it hits above 40, that’s perfect shorts weather.” 

Chicago Treats Self To 15% Indoor Dining Increase For Being So Good

“Oh now well I know I probably shouldn’t,” said the 2.7-million-person metropole, 241, “but I’ve just been so good with this whole coronavirus thing so I think I deserve a little reward, don’t you? Plus springtime is just around the corner and I want to have fun!”

CTA Warns Passengers Smoking On Train Will Be Gateway Drug To Chase The Ultimate High Of Smoking The Train Itself

“You could roll it up into a big train joint, I guess,” she said, “probably too big to use in a bong, but maybe if you dismantled the train into smaller segments you could get some rips in...if you could get your hands on a giant’s soda bottle and a big lug nut that’s a train-ready gravity bong with the lake right there…”

Experts Predict a Vibe Based Economy by 2025

The good vibes of this historical moment create an environment where the process of a company going out of business can be very lucrative for its own investors, there are few safer investments than those in the ongoing decay of the domestic economy.

Next Madigan Replacement Resigns Preemptively

At press time, Madigan’s office has already called for hourly emergency press conferences tomorrow, during which the candidates for Cuellar’s position will be sworn in and simultaneously asked to step down.

“You Gotta Be F--King Kidding Me,” Says Mayor Lightfoot, Reading Saw IV Plot Summary on Wikipedia During Zoom Meeting

“I regret swearing on mic, but in this instance I’m glad I looked up the plot,” the mayor continued. “Now I’ll be prepared for the muted man to kill the blind man in order to obtain the key from the blind man’s collar, and it will scare me less now that I know it’s coming.”

Nike Drops New “Chicago Snow Sludge” Air Jordans

Sneakerheads everywhere couldn’t be less enthused by the new Jordans, which are intentionally designed to make the wearer’s feet feel cold and wet upon slipping them on.

Bike Lane Converted To Dual-Purpose Slush And Dog Piss Lane

“I love it, man,” said little dog owner Matt Andrews, 45. “My number one problem with my small dog in the winter is she doesn’t have enough places to pee. Like we’ll walk miles and miles and she won’t have anything to sniff or inspire her to lift her weird little shaved leg. But she loves this new lane.”

Confused Nurse Only Giving Vaccines To High School Seniors

“I remember in our pre-shift meeting we were told to prioritize seniors,” recalled Saffron. “I thought it was strange, but I’m not one to argue with authority. So I took my phials out of the freezer and scoured the hospital for 18-year-olds.”

Earliest Flop Era Ever? This Woman Is A Baby

“Unfortunately in today’s hypercompetitive girlboss world, if you’re not on top? You’re a flop,” explains Columbia College’s professor of Flopology Truman Andrew Truman, 43. “And from what I’ve been told, Ms. Walters-Pervas polls in the bottom 5th percentile for recognizability even among women in her age cohort, the highly competitive 0–3 bracket.”