Chicago
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Out-Of-Towners Agree “That’s A Big Lake”
“Every time I see Lake Michigan,” he says, “I just think of how small I am. I am nothing. I’m a speck of dust in a universe that continues to expand.”
The Bear Season 2 Moves to Arlington Heights
“We might even change the name from ‘of Chicagoland’ to ‘of Chicago’ to really capture the suburban ideology of identifying with Chicago while also resenting most aspects of what makes it unique.”
Chicago Signs Deal For 10 More Years of Lollapalooza, Then 10 Years of Famine
After the news broke, Chicagoans began stocking up for the years of devastation that will follow the years of Bad Bunny and Loona. Residents citywide cracked open their grain silos to fill with Italian beef, with mothers jarring giardiniera and children carrying pails of Malort from the local well.
Andersonville Woman Devastated to Learn La Colombe Isn’t a Local Mom and Pop
Stolling up Clark, the wind in her hair, Croslen congratulated herself on being so much better than all those people that shop at Am*zon.
New Divvy Bike Only Accepts Gold Coins
Divvy says specially sized gold coins are available at newly installed kiosks, and that other gold coins may work, but if it’s too small or isn’t pure enough gold, the machine will eat it.
Mysterious Racer L Vows to End Chicago Drag Racing One Week After Mayor Lightfoot Disappears in Big Wreck
The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side.
Locals Declare Chicagoland Better Than Chicagoworld
To incentivize patronage, the CTA issued Ventra FastPasses for elite members. However, they still can’t guarantee wait times shorter than 28 minutes during peak hours.
Reckless Cyclist Almost Runs Jeep Grand Wagoneer off Western Ave
“If I hadn’t had the wherewithal to utilize my brakes system, I might be sitting here talking to you right now with a decapitated head and a bruised collarbone.”
Chicago Woman Emotionally Prepares for the “Mean Teens” of Lollapalooza
They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.”
Metra Plans High School Kegger Trains to Promote Lollapalooza Ridership
Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.
