Chicago
The Latest
Man Beginning to Wonder if He Saved Broken Chair for Dibs for Nothing
Patrick McCartney, a resident of Ukrainian Village, is beginning to wonder if he saved a broken folding chair to use for dibs for nothing.
Wicker Park Walgreens Closes: Managers, Employees Sealed in Vitamin Vault to Sell Vitamins in Afterlife
As the store turned off its lights for the last time, employees and one manager were anointed with fragrant oils from the store’s beauty department and allowed to pick one snack to take with them. Walgreens informed us the snack was not for consumption, but to pay the crocodile-headed ferryman to safely shepherd employee souls into the afterlife.
Wrigleyville "Alamo Drafthouse" Opening, "Alamo Whorehouse" Available by Special Request
WRIGLEYVILLE — We’ve been saying for a while that Wrigleyville has the potential to be the Amsterdam of the Upper Midwest.
Three Lions Born at Lincoln Park Zoo, One That Only Lies, One That Tells the Truth, One Regular Lion
“We definitely have our hands full! We’re just happy one is a regular lion,” said Morre. “At least we think it is. There’s a chance it’s also going to do something spooky and mysterious. It could just be waiting to reveal whatever its bit is when the time is right.”
Email Shows Lightfoot Campaign Promised CPS Student Volunteers Extra Credit, Seat at Cool Kids' Table, Mango Juul Pods
“No cap, fam,” started the email from the Lightfoot campaign, going on to use numerous “Gen Z” buzzwords and slang. “Volunteering for the Lightfoot campaign is bussin.’ Join the Litfoot team!“
Chicago Rings in New Year With Traditional Bean Drop
“What better opportunity to contemplate how I’ve been doing the past couple years by watching my own reflection fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces.”
Southwest Airlines Tells Passengers at Midway They Might Want to Start Forming Own Society
“We understand people are upset, and we’re working hard to issue chunks of flint to all our passengers.”
Chicagoans Brace for Record-Breaking Radiator Heat Wave
“We’re looking at a real chance for a ‘shorts and tee Christmas’".
Santa Claus Blasting Cigs on the Holiday Train
Jolly old Saint Nicholas himself has been spotted lighting up a dart on the Holiday Train.
Chicagoan Not Sure if It’s Debilitating Social Anxiety, or if They Just Have to Take Two Buses to Get There
“I would rather never speak to anyone again than wait for the 82 after already going through the emotional labor of catching the 80.”
