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Chicago Considers Tapping Into Strategic Pork Reserves Beneath City

The Meat Council, which traditionally exists to ensure everyone in Chicago knows that meat is delicious and what condiments are acceptable, can in times of crisis access the estimated thirty thousand tons of meat products held in vaults, caves and piles under the city.

Environmental Crisis: Trash Threatens to Overtake Last Zoomable Area in Apartment

Towers of empty Old Style cans loomed over the coffee table and a Great Kitchen Garbage Patch of delivery containers marred the once-beautiful views from Sealy’s MacBook camera.

The Next Hannibal Lecter? This Woman’s Heartbeat Stayed at a Cool 85 BPM While Shopping at Trader Joe’s

When asked by an employee if she needed help finding anything, Masters shook her head. “Just looking,” she replied, chillingly. 

Guy Living in House’s Crawl Space Really Starting to Sweat

“Usually I’d sneak up and grab a bowl of chips and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc from the fridge around two, when both of them were at work, but that’s all changed.”

Raccoons Claim Wrigleyville

"Naturally, they’re going to be attracted to the neighborhood with the most garbage.”

Nation’s Animal Shelters Urge Families to Think Twice Before Buying a Rat for Easter

“I got my first rat in my basket from the Easter Rat, same as a lot of kids. Done right, it’s a great thing. But families need to understand that they’re taking on an animal with a heart and soul and seventeen beautiful toes.”

Grand Expedition Planned to Small Park Nearby

RAVENSWOOD — As scientific research expeditions worldwide are cancelled and funding for exploration dries up in the failing global economy, some good news emerged for the scientific community Monda

Chicago Pet Shelter Finds Foster Home for Art Institute Lions

ROGERS PARK — As Illinois’ COVID-19 shelter-in-place order enters its third week, The Chicago Genius Herald staff have heard all kinds of inspiring stories about Chicagoans helping each other get t

Exhausted, Glowing Tom Skilling Warns His Powers Can't Keep Polar Vortex Away Much Longer

Skilling, who has been off the air since early March to recover from surgery, emerged from his stasis pod early Sunday and announced, “A tempest grows in the north,” before erupting in green light. 

City Officials Urge Chicagoans To Social Distance “At Least Eight Polish Sausage Lengths” Between Self And Others

For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.