Chicago

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Bears Purchase Land in Arlington Heights, Announce Plans to Settle Down, Marry Rebecca, Have Kids

“Rebecca has been calling it ‘Bachelor Field,’ and she’s right. It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes have been in here for fifty years, which is largely because there’s been a bunch of sweaty dudes in here for fifty years.”

Chicago Cultural Center Develops Yeast Infection

Thankfully, the infection was caught early, allowing Dr. Deferens to treat the issue quickly. “No one’s coming in for a few days,” Deferens remarked. “And we’ve inserted Monistat antifungal cream into the Tiffany glass dome. That should do the trick.”

The Genius Herald Remembers: Granddad, Shedd Aquarium's Sleepy Superstar

Long before his death on February 5th, 2017 and before he was even welcomed to his forever home at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium back in 1933, Granddad the Lungfish had lived a full life.

Chicago Scientists Discover Extremophile Stock Boy in Mariano’s Trench

“Imagine a stock worker who can survive in the most extreme conditions,” recounted mission team leader Kyle Margarite, 44. “We’re talking no 15 minute breaks, plus it can be working in the walk-in beer freezer for hours without succumbing to the cold.”

Facing Budget Cuts, Immersive Van Gogh Replaced With Fireplace for Your Home: Birchwood Edition

“The intermittent ads really detracted from the whole thing,” said attendee Mary Powers, 23. “I was just getting in the zone when we got hit with a full three minute trailer for the new Matrix film, which looks like it rips by the way.”

Kris Bryant Returns to Wrigley Field to Pick Up The Rest of His Shit

“I was deeply moved by the gracious reception I received returning to Wrigley Field,” said Bryant of the video tribute and standing ovation in his honor at Friday’s game, “but really I just wanted to come and pick up the rest of my shit. I had some stuff in my locker I didn’t have space to grab during the move, and it means a lot that the guys didn’t take it to a Goodwill.”

Vienna Beef Headquarters Flaunting Increasingly Rococo Style

“When people see the Vienna Beef brand, they associate it with European opulence and glamour,” said PR rep Lambert-Sigisbert Adam, 59, admiring the asymmetrical shells festooning a decorative column on the loading dock. “So we’re aiming to give them more of the same with this remodel.”

Block Party Clearly Just One Family That Wanted to Rent Bouncy Castle

That Saturday, the neighborhood watched as the Kirkman family blocked off Sunnydale and set up the bouncy castle. Much of the other aspects of a typical Chicago block party, neighbors noticed, were absent.

Lincoln Park Zoo Apologizes Again for “Greasy,” the Catalytic Converter Thief Raccoon

Greasy, who has already been convicted several times on counts of larceny, destruction of property, and grand theft auto, has again spent the summer accumulating an impressive pile of parts at his Lincoln Park Zoo habitat. Zoo officials have found it “nigh impossible” to contain Greasy’s criminal streak.

Lake Michigan Rises to Unsettling 90 Degree Angle

Chicago residents have been treated to a rare glimpse of lake dwellers as hundreds of walleye and Chinook salmon were swept up with the rising tides. “It’s like an aquarium but all the fish are kinda gross looking,” noted Kyra Evans, 7. “Living in the lake must be kind of a bummer, if everyone looks like that.”