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The Next Hannibal Lecter? This Woman’s Heartbeat Stayed at a Cool 85 BPM While Shopping at Trader Joe’s

When asked by an employee if she needed help finding anything, Masters shook her head. “Just looking,” she replied, chillingly. 

Guy Living in House’s Crawl Space Really Starting to Sweat

“Usually I’d sneak up and grab a bowl of chips and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc from the fridge around two, when both of them were at work, but that’s all changed.”

Raccoons Claim Wrigleyville

"Naturally, they’re going to be attracted to the neighborhood with the most garbage.”

Nation’s Animal Shelters Urge Families to Think Twice Before Buying a Rat for Easter

“I got my first rat in my basket from the Easter Rat, same as a lot of kids. Done right, it’s a great thing. But families need to understand that they’re taking on an animal with a heart and soul and seventeen beautiful toes.”

Grand Expedition Planned to Small Park Nearby

RAVENSWOOD — As scientific research expeditions worldwide are cancelled and funding for exploration dries up in the failing global economy, some good news emerged for the scientific community Monda

Chicago Pet Shelter Finds Foster Home for Art Institute Lions

ROGERS PARK — As Illinois’ COVID-19 shelter-in-place order enters its third week, The Chicago Genius Herald staff have heard all kinds of inspiring stories about Chicagoans helping each other get t

Exhausted, Glowing Tom Skilling Warns His Powers Can't Keep Polar Vortex Away Much Longer

Skilling, who has been off the air since early March to recover from surgery, emerged from his stasis pod early Sunday and announced, “A tempest grows in the north,” before erupting in green light. 

City Officials Urge Chicagoans To Social Distance “At Least Eight Polish Sausage Lengths” Between Self And Others

For those who don’t eat pork, this is equivalent to about nine Vienna all-beef hot dogs.

Illinois State Board of Elections Implements Sanitary New "Vote by Darts" Method

“I guess I’m glad they’re almost taking this pandemic thing seriously, but...I really suck at darts. My first two votes went into the wall and they said those ‘all count for Joe Biden’? I think I just voted for Joe Biden twice.” 

City Announces Chicago River to Be Dyed With Purell for St. Patrick's Day

This year, spectators are invited to stand no closer than twelve feet apart and to promise to turn and face the other direction when this year’s special float, “A Salute to Chicago’s Oldest Citizens,” rolls by.