Chicago

The Latest

Paul Vallas Begins Looking For Subletter for Bridgeport Apartment

Political experts and even complete laymen have theorized that Vallas liking several social media posts calling Chicago a “hell hole” and “the kind of city where idiots will vote for anyone” may have damaged his campaign and probably contributed to his brief stint in Chicago city limits.

IDOT: “Kennedy Expressway Construction Would Go Faster if People Stuck in Traffic Would Get Out of Their Cars and Help”

“Insteada scowlin’ at us inside your cars, why don’t you lend a hand?” said Murphy Talarico, 57, an IDOT foreman on the project. “If everyone poured a little concrete or carried some rebar, we’d have this fuckin’ thing wrapped up real quick.”

Chicago Admits St. Patrick’s Day Parade Held a Week Early So They Can Really Focus On Drinking This Weekend

“After internal discussions within our department and weighing the needs of our team and the citizens of Chicago, we decided ‘who needs all that shit?”

Oscar Awarded to The Bus Driver Who “Didn’t See You” Waiting at Stop

It’s this method of trickery that Wyatt studied as a student of bus driver school.

To Improve Pedestrian Safety, City Urges Residents to Go Full “Bubble Boy”

Instead of the pesky task of implementing traffic control and asking auto- owners not to Wordle and drive, the city went a more defensive route. 

Taste of Chicago Announces Move to Chicagoland Speedway

"They offered us Navy Pier, but you really can’t hold this event that close to seagulls."

Naperville Voted “Safest Small City With a Dark Secret” in Nation

“I don’t care if everyone here’s a pod person or a Stepford Wife or if there’s a dang eldritch horror under city hall. I don’t want to know!” Stevenson cried. 

Man Beginning to Wonder if He Saved Broken Chair for Dibs for Nothing

Patrick McCartney, a resident of Ukrainian Village, is beginning to wonder if he saved a broken folding chair to use for dibs for nothing.

Wicker Park Walgreens Closes: Managers, Employees Sealed in Vitamin Vault to Sell Vitamins in Afterlife

As the store turned off its lights for the last time, employees and one manager were anointed with fragrant oils from the store’s beauty department and allowed to pick one snack to take with them. Walgreens informed us the snack was not for consumption, but to pay the crocodile-headed ferryman to safely shepherd employee souls into the afterlife.