Chicago

The Latest

Republican Wakes up From Terrible Nightmare That Chicago Was Hiding Under Bed

“I could hear its rap music and its lax drug laws scraping the bed frame and I tried to call out ‘look how banning guns is working in Chicago!’, but it started quoting figures about guns entering the city through out-of-state channels and I was so scared!”

Wicker Park Woman on Date With Man From Lakeview Unsure if She’s Ready for Long Distance Relationship

Rowland, who met Vanessa at a cookout in Wicker Park, assumed he was also a resident of the same area. She discovered the truth only after he suggested several dining options east of Sheffield Ave. 

Returning Divvy Scooters Had Terrible Time in L.A.

The scooters, which had lived in Chicago for two short stints beginning in 2020, generally still defend their choice to move to a less convenient, less beautiful, and generally worse city.

Swarm of DePaul Students Irritating Midges Enjoying Nice Weather

“I always get so happy when it’s May and the weather is finally nice again,” said Mr. Midge, the elder statesman of the group at 4 days old.

Birders Attribute Monty the Piping Plover’s Death to Rare “Avian Swag Overload”

In the wake of Monty’s passing, many birders promise to celebrate and appreciate Chicago’s other avian living landmark, Derek the Great Blue Heron Who Fucks Hard.

AC Unit Steadied With Brick, Plate, Book, Human Femur

BRIDGEPORT— After last week’s heatwave, Chicagoans are looking for ways to keep cool as summer approaches.

Friend Visiting From Out of Town Hoping You Had Some Ideas

Your friend, who wasn’t sure what airport they were arriving at and texted you “where do the trains go??” at 6AM, arrived for a long weekend in Chicago with only a carry-on and immediately asked what your plan was for their time in Chicago. 

Aldermen Decide on Final “Magic Eye” Ward Map

“Our goal here was to redraw the Chicago’s wards to address the most recent census data,” said Ald. Michelle Harris, who spearheaded the map redrawing process. “If in addressing those changes we made it so that if you unfocus your eyes you can see a dolphin jumping over the moon, so be it.”

Local Actor Getting the Feeling He’s the Only One Left Who Hasn’t Booked Chicago PD, Med or Fire

“Honestly it’s not even the kind of work I want to do, but it’s become something bigger than that now. It’s a matter of pride and I’m not giving up, even if I have to wait until NBC launches their follow up series, Chicago Sanitation.” 

Tom Skilling Completes Summer Summoning Ritual

“Sorry I got kind of a late start this year,” said a perspiring Skilling, eyes blazing from the burning dimensional energies siphoned from the aether. “I’ve heard some blame climate change for the dreary Spring, but the climate doesn’t change until I say so. ”