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With Snow Levels Blocking Trash Pickup, Chicago Deploys Vermin-led Trash Sleds

Across the city, many Chicagoans woke up not to the beeping and mechanical crunches of their usual trash trucks, but instead the cacophonous sound of hundreds of animals pulling sleds piled with garbage like that one part in How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966).

Bad to Worse: This COVID-19 Patient Just Got Diagnosed With a Case of the Februaries

Palma, sent home from the hospital with a playlist called “Sad Songs To Contemplate Your Dying Plants To” and a small bag of cough drops, has been struggling to adjust to life with his new symptoms.

Mayor Lightfoot Donates All Her Block's Snowfall to Nearby Neighborhood

Snow plows — the nice city ones, not the rusty independent contractors that look like cars from Mad Max — have been keeping the affluent block around Mayor Lightfoot’s residence virtually snow free since Tuesday, taking the large volumes of snow to nearby streets like Sawyer Ave and Bernard St and placing them, somewhat gently, on cars, fire hydrants, and children.

Icebreaker Boat Surges Out On Chicago River Like Modern Scott Expedition

Appearing less a humble civic utility vessel than a rime-encrusted juggernaut to the planet’s coldest reaches, this pure symbol of the resilience of the human spirit repeatedly leaped atop the thin sheet of ice covering the river and churned it beneath its tiny but powerful turbine engine.

Development Begins on Top of Frozen Lake Michigan

The new project, dubbed “The Ice District” is only the first of many new projects to take advantage of all this new “land” created by the winter. 

Chicago Man Wearing 8 Light Jackets Instead of Single Winter Coat

“The average Chicagoan will maintain a thick layer of 2-3 light jackets throughout the winter.” said Chigaciologist Mollie Parker, 45, from the Lake Michigan Institute of Midwestern Pathologies. “They will then begin to shed them starting in March until late May, at which point their skin will have slowly relearned how to absorb sunlight.”

Dupage County Fairgrounds Opens as Mass Paczki Distribution Center

The center will open with a fresh supply of Roeser’s paczki, although Ezike did not rule out the possibility of administering the Dinkel’s and Andy’s Deli varieties, once supplies become available.

Mariano's Customers Will Now Be Able to Dispose of Their Produce In-Store Immediately After Purchasing It

“At the end of the day, what sets us apart from the competition is that we provide a higher level of service,” said Artie Bulmer, 37, the head of service developments at Kroger, Mariano’s parent company. “And what our research tells us is that Mariano’s customers love buying produce of all shapes and sizes, but they absolutely hate waiting to throw it out until they get home.”

Ergonomic Chair Startup Accidentally Reinvents Medieval Torture Device

“We now recognize the unfortunate irony in the project name,” wrote Kurtz, “but we had no idea that our attempt to make a holistic workplace seating solution would result in excruciating pain and a primal fear response from the user.”

CTA Installs Heat Lamps for Its Heat Lamps

“For years, we’ve fielded complaints about how weak the heat lamps are at our outdoor CTA stations,” said Morlin VanDel, 43, spokesperson for the CTA. “Today, we do something about it. Keeping our heat lamps warm is our number one priority.”