The Latest

City Runs Out of Salt, Covers Ground in Herbes de Provence

If the ice situation does not improve by tomorrow, city officials intend to add smoked paprika, freshly cracked black pepper, and garam masala to the mix.

Wiener Circle Offers Reward for Information on Brick Thrower “We Won’t Make Fun of You When You Order for One Month”

"If you know who this piece of shit is we promise we’ll let you order without commenting on your clothes or how stupid your date looks or speculate that your penis too small or too ugly. You get a pass. For a month."

Heartbreaking: Old Woman Tried To Dramatically Throw Cherished Necklace In The Lake But It Just Kind Of Bounced Off the Ice

MONTROSE HARBOR — In a disappointing coda to a would-be moment of catharsis, the cherished necklace cast into Lake Michigan by a nonagenarian is sitting placidly atop a layer of ice.

People Saving Trash All Year Excited for Return of Dibs Weather

CHICAGO — With cold temperatures and snowfall finally reaching the Chicagoland area after a mild November and December, Chicagoans are having to quickly get used to the sudden Winter weather.

Ald. Ray Lopez’ City Council Seat Dibbed

Just before press time, both Ald. Lopez’ Brighton Park and West Englewood offices were found filled floor-to-ceiling with chairs, and Ald. Lopez was en route to the 15th Ward with a chainsaw. The Chicago Genius Herald will keep you updated as the situation develops.

CTA Updates All Arrival Times to Question Marks

“Before, when I’d be waiting on a platform and the scheduled train didn’t appear, I’d feel a horrible chill as the ghost train went by.” said Janet Taylor, 43. “But now I look at the schedule screen and smile, knowing that they’re no longer tormented by a schedule they can’t keep. They’re finally at rest in their final destination, hell.”

WBEZ Acquires Chicago-Sun Times, Docks It Outside Navy Pier

“WBEZ has always been a nautical organization,” said Charles Willhamshire-Smith, 54, Vice-Admiral of public relations for WBEZ, “so it was important for us to relocate The Sun-Times to the watery bosom of Lake Michigan. The water is what gives WBEZ its signature flavor.”

Chicago City Council Agrees to Redraw Ward Map Tavern Style

“This was the only equitable way to divide up the city,” said Rossana Rodriguez-Sanchez, alderman for the 33rd Ward. “It’s already built on a grid pattern so it makes sense. Also we’re placing one of those plastic three-legged table thingies in the center of the city.”

Cases of People Talking Way Too Loud About Cryptocurrency up 1000% As Barstool Sports Bar Opens in River North

“Oh yeah, there were a lot of guys in here yelling over each other about how great crypto is all weekend,” said Tiffani Carter, 26, a server at Barstool, “the stoolies get really fired up about topics like crypto, sports, and age of consent laws. They always end up yelling even though they agree with each other.”

Mayor Lightfoot Hastily Installs Bridges She Can Raise in Front of CPS Schools

“Trust me, the idea to install bridges and raise them to send a message to the CTU makes way more sense than when she wanted to install bridges to block COVID instead of reinstituting the mask mandate.”