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The Latest

Chicago Considers Ban on Single Use Plastics, Replacing Them With One Communal Fork We Can All Use

"We wanted to go high shelf on this one and ended up buying the sterling silver fork that Elvis used before he died on the toilet. The people of Chicago demand quality.”

Man Pissing Self Outside 'L' Stop Proud He Knew What He Needed and Took the Steps to Get There

“I don’t always ask for what I need, when I need it,” Weber said, staring at his reflection in the self-generated puddle at his feet. “And that needs to change.”

Wonder Of Wonders! Martin Merchandise Has Returned To The Merchandise Mart—With Textiles In Tow!

Martin Merchandise, heir to the Merchandise Mart fortune, has returned to the city with his personal dirigible o’erflowing with textiles from far and wide.

Art Institute Of Chicago’s Lions Sitting On Museum Director’s Keyboard

“However much we try to train them, at the end of the day they’re wild animals.”

Metra Quiet Car Converting to Screaming Car Effective January 1st

Workers can scream about any topic they wish once aboard the screaming car, including politics, healthcare premiums, environmental collapse, stagnant wages, gentrification, or simply shriek endlessly into the void until arriving at their destination.

Christmas Miracle! Guy Hit By The Christmas Bus Going to Be Fine

The whole thing played out exactly like the holiday classic “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” only instead of a sweet old granny being bowled over by one of Santa’s enthusiastic pets, it was a man being fully run over by a bus.

Historic Indie Theater Dedicated to Showcasing Auteur Cinema up to One Times a Week

“They’ve got until 3 AM, then the sprinklers come on,” said Antonopoulos. “I’ll have to be up early to take it off the marquee the next morning.” 

Chance the Rapper Becomes Chance the Deep Cleaner in Anticipation of Mother-In-Law’s Visit

“You gotta make sure everything is perfect when Ms. C comes to visit. You don’t want no problem.”

CTA Discontinues Loop-de-Loop Rail Course in Loop

"I loved going through the terrifying experience of being upside down in a slowly moving commuter train. It gave me the ‘pep’ I needed to get through a full day of penny trading. I guess I’ll need to go back to cocaine.”

Environmental Pressures, Decreasing Fish Population Blamed for Chicago Bears’ Losing Season

"I mean, look at Tarik 'Chicken Salad' Cohen. How is a 5’6” 179lb player supposed to maintain enough body fat to sleep in a cave for four months?”