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Chimneyless Chicagoans Grapple With Costly Aftermath Of Santa Eating Through the Floorboards To Access Christmas Stockings

NORTH CENTER — Adding confusion and expense to an already trying year, thousands of apartment-dwelling Chicagoans are grappling with the costly aftermath of Santa eating through their floorboards o

Santa Tracker Update: He’s Doing Donuts on Lower Wacker

LOWER WACKER DR — Thursday evening, Santa Claus, age unknown, was seen drifting his sleigh in circles across Lower Wacker Drive.

City Replaces Sun With Light Therapy Lamp

The lamp will become the city’s primary daytime light source for all of the upcoming winter.

ZooLights Pays Homage To This Year’s Fallen the Only Way It Knows How: Lights At Zoo

The ZooLights tradition, begun in the heart of Zachary Taylor’s presidency, has been kept strong over the years by an elite zoo subforce known simply as the Lights Squad.

Despite Everything, Mitch Trubisky Technically History-Making Quarterback

Trubisky’s teammates as well were stunned and surprised at their QB’s historic achievement.

Ikea Opens Second Schaumburg Location, For Convenience

An expansion into Chicago is on the horizon, however. Ikea has announced plans to build a flagship food court in the Loop.

Portillo’s, Al’s Beef Employees to Receive Vaccine First

“There were always going to be people unhappy with the decision. But no one is unhappy with a large fry from Al’s.”

College Freshman Bemoans the “COVID-15,” Having Gained 15 Degrees In Body Temperature

ELMHURST — Home for the first time since packing up in August, freshman college student Amy Petras, 18, is bemoaning the infamous “COVID-15,” having gained 15 degrees in body temperature during her

The Bonehammer Has Been Chosen as This Year's Christmas Train

“Bonehammer’s been here since before the CTA was just a twinkle in the city’s eye, and I reckon it’ll be here long after my children’s children have been torn to shreds under its wheels during ‘The Final Commute’.”

Desperate Matt Nagy assembles Franken-Passer from crushed QB remains

In an effort to save his job and salvage the 2020 season, deranged Chicago Bears Head Coach Matt Nagy has cobbled together a monstrous new starting quarterback in his secret laboratory beneath Soldier Field.