The Latest

Vaccination Sites To Offer Little Leather-Bound Menu With Choice Of Shots For Residents Who Would “Really Prefer” One Or The Other

“They were so accommodating, and the menu had little gilt edges. They even brought out a Perrier for me. My only complaint is that I would have liked a Topo Chico instead.”

Former Sears With $4000 Townhomes Stacked On DeVry University Might Cause People To Get Wrong Idea About How Much Thought Developers Putting Into Any Of This

“You’ve got a fallen symbol of mid-century of American prosperity, a predatory online college, slapdash construction, and that ever-ugly bugaboo ‘gentrification’ all combining into one building that people walk past all the time.”

Lightfoot Urges Chicagoans To Get Vaccinated, Somehow

Lightfoot continued, saying that you should get the vaccine even if you have to go to a place that rhymes with “Shnaperville” to get it.

CTA Debuts Trains With In-Seat Ashtrays

“Honestly whenever someone presses the emergency button and lets me know someone is smoking I’m just like ‘hell yeah, that’s cool’,” he continued. “I just dim the lights and put some cool music over the intercom.”

Chicago Sees Surprising Uptick in COVID Cases Despite Not Following Guidelines, Doing Whatever We Want

“I just don’t know how we got here,” said Brian Synder, 29, a cashier who’s been hosting weekly murder mystery parties with his friends, “I feel like we were so close to getting the city back to normal and now I’m hearing there’s more cases? What’s up with that? What happened to the vaccines I heard about?”

Lake Michigan Briefly Converts To Salt Water After Big Portillo’s Lunch

“I was having kind of a down day, so I wanted something comforting,” said the lake, slurping from the milkshake as its waves slowly calcified Montrose Beach with salt residue. “I grew up with Portillo’s, and they never let me down."

Catered Work Lunch Suspiciously Nice

Our tipster alleges that “they’ve never ordered something this good for us,” and “they only treat us this good when they’re about to really lay a big ol’ stinker of a meeting on us.”

School Officials Too Cowardly To Wait One More Day And Resume High School on 4/20

“We understand that it would be funnier to reopen on 4/20,” said CPS Superintendent Janice Jackson in a press conference Friday, “but we can’t hold back our reopening plans because it would be funny. Please stop high-fiving each other every time I say ‘4/20.’”

Man Vaccinated On Top Half

“I’m relieved to know that my top half was shot full of the stuff first,” Peters noted, carefully wiping down his knees and ankles after a quick outdoor stroll. “I want my legs to be safe too of course, but the doctors seemed to think getting the orifice-heavy area done first would be prudent."

Mariano’s Piano Player Twelve Minutes Into Rendition of Rainbow Connection With No Signs Of Slowing Down

“I thought for sure he’d wrap it up after the second key change,” said shopper Paloma Da Silva, 29. “But then he disappeared into a flurry of arpeggios and started riffing for a while on the chorus, so I figured we were settling in to at least half an hour of this piece.”