Chicago

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Heralding Autumn, Green Line Deepens to a Lovely Russet Orange

The train color change has long been a significant generator of revenue for the city, with out-of-towners flocking in to admire the vivid hues of the train cars.

After Successful First Season, Chicago Party Aunt Announces Move to New York City

Chicago Party Aunt started as a Twitter account in 2016, and was picked up for adaptation by Netflix in 2021, hoping to tap into a Midwest market where they heard people will only laugh if jokes reference their local grocery store chains.

New Chicago River Sensors May Make Slurpin’ Jude, The Guy Who Floats Down The River In A Barrel Testing The Water Quality With A Ladle, Obsolete

“It seems to me like we had a perfectly fine system already,” said kayak and old codger aficionado Bradford Fordley Brevins, 44. “You just spent a couple of days casing all 156 miles of the Chicago River until you saw Jude, you asked him ‘how’s it tasting today?’ and he’d give you an example right there on the spot.”

City To Debut New, More Challenging "Bike Lanes+" For Experienced Cyclists This Spring

“Specifically,” explained Remington, “These lanes were designed for users who have commuted down Damen Ave. more than once and haven’t immediately said, ‘actually, fuck this’ and thrown their bike into the river.”

October Pride Offers Corn Maze You Can Fuck

“I feel like I can live my truth here,” said Boystown local Casey West, 23. “When I’m lost in the maze, fucking cob after cob, sloppy on the kernels, that’s the real me, you know?”

Potholes Begin Fattening for Winter

CDOT officials encourage citizens to report potholes so they may be measured, studied, and given a cute nickname.

Area Gym Only Letting Members Cancel With Blood Sacrifice to Moloch

Despite the hefty price, their management insists the process is so simple that anyone with enough blood can do it.

Graceland Cemetery Fundraising With Eternal Silence Kissing Booth

Eternal Silence, 112, has long been a main graveyard attraction, often drawing visitors hoping to look into his eyes and foresee their own deaths. “So we’re taking that existing appeal, and remixing it with some really fun flirty Halloween visuals,” said Graceland marketing exec Patty Servantis, 32, in a team video conference earlier this week. “How can we reimagine our biggest stars in new and exciting ways, maybe through kissing or even second base? These are the kinds of questions I’m interested in unpacking with the fundraising committee.”

Flamingo Sculpture Pales Due to Reduced Plankton Intake

Flamingo, erected in 1974, has long used a filter-feed method to feast on brine shrimp, local algae and passing commuters, using its 50-ton steel frame to trap and eat even the largest insect larvae and cyanobacteria the city has to offer. Lately, though, the sculpture has struggled to hunt down its typical quantity of animal and plant plankton, causing its paint to fade to a fleshy pastel pink.

Bears Purchase Land in Arlington Heights, Announce Plans to Settle Down, Marry Rebecca, Have Kids

“Rebecca has been calling it ‘Bachelor Field,’ and she’s right. It smells like a bunch of sweaty dudes have been in here for fifty years, which is largely because there’s been a bunch of sweaty dudes in here for fifty years.”