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Grizzled CTA Passenger Tells Legend of Express Train That Never, Ever Stops

“T’ain’t no reason to be lookin’ up at the screens, friends. At this time of night the trains become wilder, more unpredictable. They say at this time of night the express train that never, ever stops roams these tracks, not pickin’ up passengers, just leavin’ folks standing in the cold, frustrated and delayed.”

Strike Over! Lori Lightfoot Has Announced She's Giving Chicago Teachers Tickets To Imagine Dragons At Lincoln Yards

“That’s...not actually how any of this works,” said a nonplussed rep for the CTU, presumably stunned into speechlessness by the opportunity to see the pop megastars responsible for “Radioactive,” “Thunder” and “Whatever It Takes.” “We’re currently still negotiating. Mayor Lightfoot can’t just...we’re not interested in tickets to Imagine Dragons.”

Gesticulating Architecture Tour Guide Accidentally Traces Dread Sign of Flauros In Air

His enthusiastic gestures towards Chicago’s midcentury masterpieces immediately began summoning the demon and his thirty-six legions to our mortal plane, a hail of fire emitting from the top deck of Chicago’s Classic Lady.

Completed Cloud Gate Given Brushed Steel Finish

Josie Wilson, a Logan Square resident who attended the unveiling ceremony, agrees with the artist: “You can finally just enjoy the bean-shape without being confronted by your own reflection.”

Popularity of Air & Water Show Inspires Spin-Off Earth & Fire Show

The week-long event will be held in and around Soldier Field and will feature various earth and fire-themed exhibitions like mud wrestling, monster trucks, fireworks, and bonfires all culminating in a pitched tank battle with the US Army’s “Dirt Angels.”

Air And Water Show Stretches Into Second Week As Military Fails To Contain Giant, Radioactive Rahm Emanuel

The first indication that things weren’t going to plan came early on Saturday morning, when Mr. Emanuel, now a 50-foot-tall glowing monstrosity capable of exhaling a devastating atomic heat ray, made his way to the Lakefront from the now-destroyed neighborhood of Ravenswood.

Headliners JB and The Pritzkers Insist They Earned Their Spot At Lollapalooza Just Like Everybody Else

When asked about the disparity between their plum spot in the Lolla lineup and their <1,000 Spotify streams, Linda Pritzer rolled her professionally whitened eyes. “Listen, we sent in an audition CD just like everybody else.”

New Rat Exhibit at Field Museum Definitely Not Rebranded Rat Infestation

The new, permanent exhibit, which takes place on every floor and in every gallery of the historic museum, highlights the evolution of modern rat as well as giving visitors a chance to see numerous live rats.

Everyone on Train Listening to Own Podcast

“I’m actually just listening to make sure this holds up to our standards before we release it” recounted David Dennis, who records his ironic bad-business-idea podcast “Entrepremanure” into a first generation iPod Touch that was recently dropped into wet sidewalk cement.

Dib-D Spot Declared Sovereign Nation

Dave Hillger, the self-appointed emperor and sole resident of Davekanda, has already issued dire warnings to any that might encroach on his nation’s soil.