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Bulls Creative Management Announces That Benny The Bull Will No Longer Be Depicted As A Primo Dime Piece With A Fat, Juicy Dumper Moving Forward

“Sadly Benny was developed during a time when mascots were seen as little more than eye candy,” explained Bulls marketing lead Harris Gherkin, 36, “and his initial design as a slim thicc baddie with a full moon booty that drives everyone—and we mean everyone—wild with desire is an unfortunate relic of that era that the Bulls are keen to move past.”

Contactless Delivery Kind of Taking the Thrill Out of Sushi Served on Nude Model Experience

“We’re just trying provide our clients with the same food-based erotic power fantasy they crave while also being safe”

Genius Herald Exclusive: State Rep. Who Proposed Bobcat Hunting Ban Tailless Mammal Himself

When pressed on the contents of that lunch, Didech mentioned that he had ordered sushi, which overwhelmingly features raw fish as an ingredient. Bobcats are also opportunistic predators who often prey on Illinois’ fish population

To Ensure Only Chicagoans Receive Vaccine, United Center Now Requiring Recipients to Perform The Super Bowl Shuffle in Its Entirety

Chicagoans who successfully perform “The Superbowl Shuffle” and receive their vaccines will also receive a card labeling them a “True Chicagoan” that can be used for discounts at local restaurants and to drive down Western Ave at any speed they feel like. 

Dozens Reported Missing As Dark Chicago’s Rufus Q. Wettehœm Menagerie Briefly Displaces Richard H. Dreihaus Museum In Prime Dimension

“I remember hearing a loud pop, a smell like ozone and a bright flash of light,” recalled Hughie Felton, 25, who witnessed the phenomenon, “and then all of a sudden instead of the Dreihaus there was just this...sludgy, dripping wet mansion in its place, which sounded like it was filled with the keening of a thousand beasts, none of which had any business being in this reality.”

Illinois Cash Bail to Be Replaced With Three Riddles, Escape From Maze

Failure to answer the riddles correctly or navigate the maze and escape will result in jail time and possible death for the accused, depending on how they dodge the traps.

Aldermen Slam Chicago Postmaster: “All Our Mail Is Made Of Provolone Now”

The problem appeared seemingly overnight. Where once Chicagoans might have encountered paper envelopes and cards in their mailboxes, now there is only provolone, stamped and addressed and piled in damp handfuls.

Man Calls Dibs on Parking Spot with Car

"I’ve seen people put Christmas decorations in their dibs or even bookshelves, but never an actual car. That’s definitely a flashy way to call dibs!”

 

Modern Day Heathcliff: Some Guy Has Been Prowling Around The Lakefront, Which Is Basically Chicago’s Version Of The Moors, For Weeks

“It was like watching a Flu Game-era Jordan,” he clarified. “But for brooding.”

Vaccine Offered at Lou Malnati’s After Purchase of 10 Mid-Sized Pies

“Moderna, Pfizer, even that new Johnson & whoever, we’ve got them all in the back,” said store manager Drew Novak, 29, while saucing a deep dish. “So even picky eaters will be able to find something on our menu that suits their tastes, shot-wise.”