Mysterious Racer L Vows to End Chicago Drag Racing One Week After Mayor Lightfoot Disappears in Big Wreck
The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side.
To incentivize patronage, the CTA issued Ventra FastPasses for elite members. However, they still can’t guarantee wait times shorter than 28 minutes during peak hours.
“If I hadn’t had the wherewithal to utilize my brakes system, I might be sitting here talking to you right now with a decapitated head and a bruised collarbone.”
They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.”
Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.
“If there was a bridge we could have raised to keep them here, we would have raised it.”
“Then in 2020, I know he did some work with Anticaww!, which is like Antifa for birds because like, you know, it’s the sound a crow makes.”
“It’s so hot, my junk feels like a mound of thinly sliced roast beef that’s been left to simmer in its own au jus,” said a source who asked to remain anonymous due to the graphic descriptions they gave us of their genitals.
“We should hit the beach!” she threatened. “I think Eliza is free today? Or we could just walk around Winnemac or something.”
“Tickets to Bears games start at around $90. Admission to Mattress Firm will be free, and I’m offering 10% off all Sealy and Serta mattresses on game days.”