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Chicagoans Rejoice! Malort is Now Whole30-Compliant

"We happen to think Malort tastes like what we imagine Sonic the Hedgehog’s piss would taste like, which would be very good since he is the good guy in his video game. Malort is a natural addition to all of the other delicious foods and drinks you’ll find in the Whole30 pantry.”

Shedd Aquarium Offers $200 Meet the Belugas Experience, $300 Beluga Steak

If patrons meet the belugas and are unsatisfied with their squeaks, tricks, and general demeanor, they can, for an added $100, initiate the “Meat the Belugas” activity.

Hyde Park Transforms Back Into Jekyll Park

Residents report seeing changes take effect around 6AM on Sunday, as the bold architectural style of Hyde Park returned to the understated, drab buildings of Jekyll Park.

Heartwarming! Man Smoking Cigarette On Red Line Offers A Drag To Everyone On The Train!

The elusive man, who many are now calling “The Smoking Angel”, wasn’t deterred by the growing crowd around him. “Now, now,” he called out, “don’t push! There’s plenty of cig to go around! Everyone will get a turn, I promise.”

Shedd Aquarium Introduces New Burlesque-Themed Dolphin Show

The new Bottle Nosed Beauties show will not only entertain our adult guests, but it will also teach them that dolphins, sea lions, and other marine mammals can be extremely sexy, as well as athletic.

Woman Breaking Up With Boyfriend At Belmont Stop Would Have Been Powerful Warrior-Priestess In Pre-Christian Society

Casual observers state that Omringo could not have looked more stunned if he’d been a Roman legionnaire staring at his own spilled intestines on what was supposed to be a routine patrol through Gallic territory in 57 BCE.

Chicago Considers Ban on Single Use Plastics, Replacing Them With One Communal Fork We Can All Use

"We wanted to go high shelf on this one and ended up buying the sterling silver fork that Elvis used before he died on the toilet. The people of Chicago demand quality.”

Man Pissing Self Outside 'L' Stop Proud He Knew What He Needed and Took the Steps to Get There

“I don’t always ask for what I need, when I need it,” Weber said, staring at his reflection in the self-generated puddle at his feet. “And that needs to change.”

Wonder Of Wonders! Martin Merchandise Has Returned To The Merchandise Mart—With Textiles In Tow!

Martin Merchandise, heir to the Merchandise Mart fortune, has returned to the city with his personal dirigible o’erflowing with textiles from far and wide.

Art Institute Of Chicago’s Lions Sitting On Museum Director’s Keyboard

“However much we try to train them, at the end of the day they’re wild animals.”