Chicago public health authorities responsible for organizing the city’s planned “vaccination pass” program have sold the project to the company responsible for the CTA Ventra system.
Lincoln Square Reticent To Install Lights At Welles Park, Citing Concerns About Little League Players' Ability To Hit Dingers On Command
“You know what’s going to fix this neighborhood and get us back on our feet?” DuPrix asked. “Watching a guy who’s 90% anabolic steroid by volume just crush homer after homer before trotting around the bases like a particularly surly Newfoundland.”
Kids looking to skip the traditional — and let’s be honest, underwhelming — flowers or candy or “getting to see her children” gifts they might have turned to in prior years can now place a bid on the Thompson Center through the Illinois Department of Central Management Services, first come, first served!
The prestigious University, which hosts more than twenty thousand students annually, had previously this month said it would not require vaccinations, but changed its policy after remembering how gross college kids are.
The study was extensive. Of Chicago’s 2.71 million residents, 542,000 participated, or 18/360ths of the city’s population. Canvassers went door to door asking Chicagoans to reduce fractions and finish fraction related phrases, such as: ‘My favorite item at McDonald’s is the ___ pounder with cheese’.
“We’ve decided to open our hearts even to birds that have weird scraggly beaks or dust-colored feathers,” announced bird protector Andrew Mingus, 43, at a press conference Saturday. “We may hate and revile them, but I guess they deserve a spot on the beach too.”
According to locals in the Jackson Park area, Barack Obama, 59, a failed community organizer and autofiction book author who hasn’t lived in Chicago or even Illinois since 2005, is throwing some serious cash around to build the Barack Obama Presidential Center near the University of Chicago campus.
"I’m just so cute, it’s pretty hard for me not to get a treat, you know? Now I look like a fucking hair-covered blimp!"
“They’re popping out along the vine left and right, fully stitched!” exclaimed Cubs Head Gardener Felix Begonia, 75. “We’ve never had a season with this much baseball fruit. If we were fully operational, this would be a gift. We’d be handing out grilled baseballs to the fans, selling them oven-ready at the farmers’ market!”
“Especially with older beaches, those don’t tend to get a lot of love. People come in asking for the shiny new beach, leaving older ones like this one here unnoticed. But there was a happy ending today, and we’re here to celebrate that.”