“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!”
"We noticed many other retailers had started making face masks, and that’s when it hit us: why not put a pleasurable spin on this social distancing necessity?"
Officers confirmed that CPD “basically takes an open window as an invitation to go in and do what we want” and “we’ve done dis tons of times, way more than people know. We get sleepy a lot.”
“FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE DREAMT,” hissed Ichthous Spumous XI, 567, the 7-foot tall King of the Mermen told The Chicago Genius Herald when reporters caught up with him as he patrolled the flooded River Walk.
Until the park fully reopens, however; park management has informed the remaining 5% of staff that they will be performing 100% of the duties.
Customers will be instructed to board and exit through a small rope ladder on the side of the bus.
Several SWAT teams broke into The Grand Procession Of Sex and started subduing Carnivalgoers with mace, zip ties and handcuffs, much to their delight.
“Benny takes a lot of pride in his hair,” said basketball enthusiast Michael Jordan, 57. “He gets it dyed twice a month. I think it looks awesome, and I hope his natural color isn’t gross.”
“The first bike that breaks away from the station, that’s the Alpha Bike,” Bratt explains. “The Alpha will then free the others in that station and form a peloton. From that point on, they’re on the hunt for just one thing: fresh blood.”