Chicago

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Mayor Lightfoot Hastily Installs Bridges She Can Raise in Front of CPS Schools

“Trust me, the idea to install bridges and raise them to send a message to the CTU makes way more sense than when she wanted to install bridges to block COVID instead of reinstituting the mask mandate.”

Local Hero Really on Top of Warming Lamp Button

“The lamps are amazing,” she said, shivering. “It feels like I put the top half of my head in a microwave. The bottom 95% of my body is so jealous right now.”

Kids Sent Home So They Don’t See CPS and CTU Fighting

“I woke up this morning and my mom told me school was canceled,” said Megan Tootles, 9, a fifth grader in CPS, “and then she told me that it wasn’t my fault, and that sometimes fights just happen between adults.”

Chicago Vaccine Mandate Opponents Take Advantage of “Just Let Them in if They’re Really Fucking Annoying About It” Loophole

“If someone starts sobbing and begging and saying they’ll piss everywhere if they don’t get deep-dish pizza, I’m probably just going to let them in so they’ll shut up. I don’t really care if my boss has to pay a fine, honestly at this point I don’t really feel anything.”

“ZooDarks” Event in Lincoln Park Zoo Unveils Black Hole in Middle of Reptile House

Visitors can seek relief from the glistening holiday decorations bedecking the zoo by entering the Reptile House and admiring a few of the snakes and lizards before crossing the event horizon and being sucked into the hole.

Santa Tracker Update: Santa’s Sleigh Ticketed Again for Parking in Overnight Parking Ban Zone

Santa was reportedly able to fly away just as a Lincoln Towing vehicle pulled up.

Walgreens Cooler Screen Playing Shrek 2 Again

The doors started to play Shrek 2 in its entirety on a loop early this week. Employees have tried multiple solutions short of reading the manual, but Shrek remains.

Starbucks Roastery Offers Union Members Free Tour of Giant Coffee Vats Someone Might Fall Into, God Forbid

Once inside, multiple workers pointed out what appeared to be human skulls bobbing at the surface of the industrial-sized vats of joe, but Wilder assured the special guests that they were merely “coffee bones.”

Starbucks Reserve Roastery Begins Roasting The Bean

“Like many businesses we’ve been facing supply chain issues,” said Candie Jameson, 43, a Senior Bean Counter (literal) for at the Starbucks Reserve Roastery. “And by utilizing this great natural resource in the center of our city, we expect to be able to keep our customers regular for years to come.”

Music Box Staff Frantically Rehearsing Choreography After Misplacing “White Christmas”

When the theater staff was unable to locate the film for the showing this weekend, staff scrambled to avoid disappointing moviegoers, landing on an unusual solution: current reports indicate that employees are attempting to rehearse and stage the famous musical — live — in the days preceding the planned event.