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Millennium Park Ribbon Still Open To People Who Think Everything Is Normal

“As soon as I step onto the ice, I can take my mask off and breathe a sigh of relief. Just not too deep, as I seem to be getting a little bit of a cough.”

Chicago Public Schools Expand From Underpaying Teachers to Killing Teachers

“My fellow moms will understand me when I say that I’m okay with up to five people dying in order for Jason to dissect a frog in a physical classroom this year. Preferably before March.” 

Chicago Launches Fleet of Celery Salt Trucks

Last year the department tried a similar strategy with neon-green relish, but had to pull the trucks after numerous citizens complained, believing it to be some kind of toxic spill.

Trump Tower Sign Replaced With Name of More Popular President

“I’m going to miss flicking off the Trump sign,” said Linda Matherson, 46, “it wasn’t a lot, but it was my form of protest. I certainly can’t see myself flicking off Mr. Taft. He looks like the mascot for a gourmet cookie company.”

Report: Man Caught Living in O'Hare for 3 Months Simply Waiting on Baggage to Come Through Carousel

“It should be coming any second now, I just know it.” said Singh, seconds before his arrest. Officers at the scene then charged Singh for felony failure to give up and chalk it up as a loss.

Chicago Health Officials Warn Weather Conditions May Make It Easier To Slide On Icy Sidewalk Into An Open Mouth Kiss With A Handsome Stranger

EDGEWATER—In a public safety warning, Chicago City Health Officials are warning that the snowy and cold weather conditions of the past few weeks only make it easier to slide on an icy sidewalk into

Partiers in Old Town Discover Soft Dancefloor Made of Previous Partiers

“Honestly, though, I’m just bummed I don’t have the energy to move from this spot now that it’s been blown up,” Redezka concluded with a faint, dry cough. “The parties down in Wicker sound like a LIT place to perish.”

After Ending Cash Bail, Illinois Officials Reassure Constituents They Still Have Lots of Other Ways to Criminalize Poverty

Together with other Illinois Officials, Matthews reaffirmed his devotion to the work of creating bureaucratic red tape that makes living under the poverty line near-impossible.

Speaker Chris Welch Addresses Illinois House for the First Time by Putting Mike Madigan on Speakerphone, Holding Phone up

“I want to assure you all that Rep. Welch will be fully in control of his role as speaker of the house,” said Rep Madigan over the phone, “but I will occasionally pop in via phone or maybe just brood in the background behind him like a Sith Lord.”

Lime Launches New Mask Sharing Service

The pilot program gives Chicagoans the option to rent any one of the 10,000 reusable face masks that Lime has left just sort of lying around the city.