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Wrigley Field Rapidly Culling Bumper Crop From This Season’s Baseball Vine

“They’re popping out along the vine left and right, fully stitched!” exclaimed Cubs Head Gardener Felix Begonia, 75. “We’ve never had a season with this much baseball fruit. If we were fully operational, this would be a gift. We’d be handing out grilled baseballs to the fans, selling them oven-ready at the farmers’ market!”

Foster Beach Finally Adopted

“Especially with older beaches, those don’t tend to get a lot of love. People come in asking for the shiny new beach, leaving older ones like this one here unnoticed. But there was a happy ending today, and we’re here to celebrate that.”

Aon Tower Wins Award for Most Featureless Building in US

“We’ve never seen such an expression of the elusive concept of “nothingness” before,” added Jenn Wireframme, 37, fellow panel judge and art critic for Aesthetica magazine. 

Foxtrot Employee Still Not Sure What Foxtrot Sells, Exactly

“We got chips and stuff too,” he added, shuffling around behind the counter. “That’s good, right? Except oh! This trail mix is like $8 a bag, probably not going to be buying that too often when you got the munchies haha. So maybe bodega’s not right.”

Kronos Gyros Has Just Announced They Are Going To Use Photos Of Construction Workers With Heart Disease In Their Ads Instead Of Beautiful Women Moving Forward

“So with the help of our statistics department, we’ve determined that 90% of all gyro meat ends up in the stomachs of construction workers with heart disease and feral cats, and feral cats aren’t known for being high liquidity buyers—yet. Hence, moving forward all Kronos Gyros advertising will feature a slightly pained-looking construction worker, inviting you to imagine that’s what you might look like after eating one of our gyros.”

Dan Ryan Eliminates Traffic Slowdowns By Permanently Installing “Toad’s Turnpike” Soundtrack

After installing the speakers overnight Wednesday, IDOT reported that drive times from the south suburbs at rush hour had already been reduced by half or more, thanks to every single driver constantly holding their foot all the way down on the accelerator and executing perfect drift turns through the Dan Ryan’s curves.

Good News We Hope! Cork Popped Off Of Carbide & Carbon Building

Built in 1929, the Carbide & Carbon Building has remained tightly corked for the past ninety years, with its gold leaf top staying tightly sealed through a myriad of Chicago victories, including the ‘63 opening of O’Hare and the 2016 World Series win. Why the building was popped now, however, remains shrouded in mystery.

CPD Prepares For Another Opportunity to Prove They’ve Learned Nothing, Don’t Care

“I just don’t get it,” said Sgt. Jerry Punisherlogo, 37, a ten year veteran of the CPD.

Chicago Riverwalk Reopens As City Declares Victory Over Occupying Seagull Army

After an initial attack with fire hoses and brooms, city officials were able to break the seagulls’ defenses and push them back toward the lake in a battle that many have dubbed “The Battle for Island Party Hut.” 

Social Justice Win: Blackhawks Fix Logo By Adding Speech Bubble That Says “Equal Rights”

The Blackhawks logo, which features the head of Sauk warrior Chief Black Hawk, is arguably one of the most recognizable logos in all of professional sports. While critics claim that using a cartoon version of a respected Native American as a sports logo is culturally insensitive, the ‘Hawks management are positive this new update will clear things up.