The Latest

Chicago Man Wearing 8 Light Jackets Instead of Single Winter Coat

“The average Chicagoan will maintain a thick layer of 2-3 light jackets throughout the winter.” said Chigaciologist Mollie Parker, 45, from the Lake Michigan Institute of Midwestern Pathologies. “They will then begin to shed them starting in March until late May, at which point their skin will have slowly relearned how to absorb sunlight.”

Dupage County Fairgrounds Opens as Mass Paczki Distribution Center

The center will open with a fresh supply of Roeser’s paczki, although Ezike did not rule out the possibility of administering the Dinkel’s and Andy’s Deli varieties, once supplies become available.

Mariano's Customers Will Now Be Able to Dispose of Their Produce In-Store Immediately After Purchasing It

“At the end of the day, what sets us apart from the competition is that we provide a higher level of service,” said Artie Bulmer, 37, the head of service developments at Kroger, Mariano’s parent company. “And what our research tells us is that Mariano’s customers love buying produce of all shapes and sizes, but they absolutely hate waiting to throw it out until they get home.”

Ergonomic Chair Startup Accidentally Reinvents Medieval Torture Device

“We now recognize the unfortunate irony in the project name,” wrote Kurtz, “but we had no idea that our attempt to make a holistic workplace seating solution would result in excruciating pain and a primal fear response from the user.”

CTA Installs Heat Lamps for Its Heat Lamps

“For years, we’ve fielded complaints about how weak the heat lamps are at our outdoor CTA stations,” said Morlin VanDel, 43, spokesperson for the CTA. “Today, we do something about it. Keeping our heat lamps warm is our number one priority.”

Hard To Tell If Spot Dibbed Or Reserved For Outdoor Dining

HUMBOLDT PARK  — While trying to find a place to park in the Humboldt Park neighborhood, Cindy Bertram, 31, a nanny, briefly had to consider whether a somewhat-shoveled, chair-filled parking spot w

26th Diner Driven From Reopened Restaurant With Torches, Pitchforks

“I was just trying to get some dinner,” said Kirkman, still huffing and puffing after running from the mob for several blocks, “and the guy at the door started screaming ‘A 26th person is trying to get in! Drive away the beast, lest we all get the plague!’ I just wanted some mostaccioli diavola. I can’t make it at home, I don’t own any pots!”

Limited Indoor Dining Rules Reduce Menus To 25% Capacity

STREETERVILLE — In an effort to continue safety measures as restaurants slowly reopen to indoor dining, new limitations are reducing all menus to 25% capacity. 

Greektown Moves to New Apartment in Wrigleyville

“This was a tough decision,” said Greektown, 132. “Greektown is great, and pretty affordable as far as Chicago goes. But I’m ready for something new, and I feel like a nice new place in Wrigleyville, bustling with nightlife, offers me that.”

Bogart in Chief: Lori Lightfoot Denies All Those Loop Tightwads the Opportunity to Smoke a Spliffy-Iffy of the Stinky-Dinky With Ruling Against Downtown Pot Shops

The mayor’s office remains adamant that top-tier bud will never find a home downtown during Mayor Lightfoot’s tenure.