The Latest

Bean Shaky and Fatigued After Second Vaccine Shot

Working in a front-facing position that requires a lot of contact with the public, the Bean was relieved to secure its vaccine appointments last month.

Bulls Creative Management Announces That Benny The Bull Will No Longer Be Depicted As A Primo Dime Piece With A Fat, Juicy Dumper Moving Forward

“Sadly Benny was developed during a time when mascots were seen as little more than eye candy,” explained Bulls marketing lead Harris Gherkin, 36, “and his initial design as a slim thicc baddie with a full moon booty that drives everyone—and we mean everyone—wild with desire is an unfortunate relic of that era that the Bulls are keen to move past.”

Contactless Delivery Kind of Taking the Thrill Out of Sushi Served on Nude Model Experience

“We’re just trying provide our clients with the same food-based erotic power fantasy they crave while also being safe”

Genius Herald Exclusive: State Rep. Who Proposed Bobcat Hunting Ban Tailless Mammal Himself

When pressed on the contents of that lunch, Didech mentioned that he had ordered sushi, which overwhelmingly features raw fish as an ingredient. Bobcats are also opportunistic predators who often prey on Illinois’ fish population

To Ensure Only Chicagoans Receive Vaccine, United Center Now Requiring Recipients to Perform The Super Bowl Shuffle in Its Entirety

Chicagoans who successfully perform “The Superbowl Shuffle” and receive their vaccines will also receive a card labeling them a “True Chicagoan” that can be used for discounts at local restaurants and to drive down Western Ave at any speed they feel like. 

New Friend in Social Pod Concerned With How Many Pod Members Imaginary

“I was psyched when Danny texted me to hang,” said Branton. “I have a roommate, but I’ve been working from home since last March and I felt like I was getting pretty stir-crazy. I was a little wary when Danny said a couple of his friends would be joining us, but I was even more wary when I got there and they didn’t exist.”

Social Distancing Pods Enter Custody Battle Over Mutual Friend

The two friend groups, who have come to depend on Booker’s regular Zoom-sci-fi-B-movie nights and Italian apertivo / Mario Kart tournament nights respectively, began threatening legal action Thursday when the group known as “The Nat Pack” formally claimed Booker for their own.

Dozens Reported Missing As Dark Chicago’s Rufus Q. Wettehœm Menagerie Briefly Displaces Richard H. Dreihaus Museum In Prime Dimension

“I remember hearing a loud pop, a smell like ozone and a bright flash of light,” recalled Hughie Felton, 25, who witnessed the phenomenon, “and then all of a sudden instead of the Dreihaus there was just this...sludgy, dripping wet mansion in its place, which sounded like it was filled with the keening of a thousand beasts, none of which had any business being in this reality.”

Illinois Cash Bail to Be Replaced With Three Riddles, Escape From Maze

Failure to answer the riddles correctly or navigate the maze and escape will result in jail time and possible death for the accused, depending on how they dodge the traps.

Aldermen Slam Chicago Postmaster: “All Our Mail Is Made Of Provolone Now”

The problem appeared seemingly overnight. Where once Chicagoans might have encountered paper envelopes and cards in their mailboxes, now there is only provolone, stamped and addressed and piled in damp handfuls.