Man Planning Post-COVID Reinvention Has It Narrowed Down to Aikido Guy, Banjo Guy or Selvedge Denim Guy
Leonas shared that early iterations of his post-COVID reinvention included becoming a Snake Guy, a Knife Guy or an “Aliens Are Real” Guy.
As news broke this week that Midwestern rental video chain Family Video is closing its doors after 42 years in business, many Chicagoans lamented the death of the last remainder of a bygone era of
NEAR WEST SIDE — The sculpture world turned on its head Thursday morning when the Michael Jordan statue inside the United Center announced that it will be retiring from its position to pursue its l
J.B. Pritzker is basically the same as Tony Stark but if he loved Steve Miller Band and the Eagles, didn’t have a robotic exosuit and once ripped five toilets out of the second floor of a $3.2 million mansion he and his wife weren’t even living in so it could be technically classified as a vacant building he only needed to pay 10% of market value’s tax on.
Recently, residents of the converted Second Church of Christ Scientist in Lincoln Park have begun to report sightings of a long haired specter dressed in white rags who keeps quoting Bible verses, which they claim is the ghost of Jesus Christ.
Chicago’s Top Financial Advisors Urging Chicagoans To Spend $600 Stimulus Check On Thick-Soled Leather Boots, “For The Road Will Be Hard And Unforgiving”
The road will be hard, and only thick-soled boots will help you walk it.
In an unprecedented move by Governor Pritzker and the City of Chicago, beloved mascot Benny the Bull has been given total decision-making power over vaccine distribution within the city limits, despite his well known biases towards old people with asthma.
By destroying these local restaurants through inaction and bureaucratic incompetence, Starbucks and other large chains will be able to assimilate seamlessly into the hollowed-out corpses of smaller businesses done in by the pandemic.
According to Bears head coach Matt Nagy, 42, “As much as I’ve tried to prevent this, these Bears just can’t be stopped. On New Years’, it’s an old Bears tradition: they plan on letting the ball fall fully to the ground. God help me.” Nagy buried his face in his hands before gesturing defeatedly at the excited players rolling around in the fresh snow.
Watts, who according to friends frequently refers to 2020 as a “dumpster fire” and posts “damn you, 2020!” to his social media accounts when a celebrity dies, has increasingly frustrated and concerned those close to him with his personification of the year, which is a measured span of time and not a living being.