Chicago
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Andersonville Woman Devastated to Learn La Colombe Isn’t a Local Mom and Pop
Stolling up Clark, the wind in her hair, Croslen congratulated herself on being so much better than all those people that shop at Am*zon.
New Divvy Bike Only Accepts Gold Coins
Divvy says specially sized gold coins are available at newly installed kiosks, and that other gold coins may work, but if it’s too small or isn’t pure enough gold, the machine will eat it.
Mysterious Racer L Vows to End Chicago Drag Racing One Week After Mayor Lightfoot Disappears in Big Wreck
The enigmatic maverick’s sudden appearance has captivated Chicagoans citywide, most of all the late Lori Lightfoot’s younger brother Speed Lightfoot, 17, who had always dreamed of following in his older sister’s footsteps as mayor of Chicago and also professional racecar driver, which she sort of did on the side.
Locals Declare Chicagoland Better Than Chicagoworld
To incentivize patronage, the CTA issued Ventra FastPasses for elite members. However, they still can’t guarantee wait times shorter than 28 minutes during peak hours.
Reckless Cyclist Almost Runs Jeep Grand Wagoneer off Western Ave
“If I hadn’t had the wherewithal to utilize my brakes system, I might be sitting here talking to you right now with a decapitated head and a bruised collarbone.”
Chicago Woman Emotionally Prepares for the “Mean Teens” of Lollapalooza
They’ll judge you for age, your haircut, and for not knowing the lyrics of the songs by rock duo “Wet Leg.”
Metra Plans High School Kegger Trains to Promote Lollapalooza Ridership
Inspired by the Metra promotion, the CTA hopes to increase Gen Z ridership with its new slogan “Buses are Bussin’, No Cap”, despite being labeled cringe.
Lightfoot Proposes Dome Over Chicago Bears to Keep Them From Leaving
“If there was a bridge we could have raised to keep them here, we would have raised it.”
Based Red-Winged Blackbird Only Attacks Chicago Cops
“Then in 2020, I know he did some work with Anticaww!, which is like Antifa for birds because like, you know, it’s the sound a crow makes.”
Chicago Style Heat Wave: Chicagoans Announce Junk Feels Like Wet Italian Beef
“It’s so hot, my junk feels like a mound of thinly sliced roast beef that’s been left to simmer in its own au jus,” said a source who asked to remain anonymous due to the graphic descriptions they gave us of their genitals.
