The Latest

Checkmate: Rookery to B6

“We’ve never seen this before,” said grandmaster Evan Pollin, 68. “Quite simply, this is unprecedented, and a little weird.” 

Architecture Cruise Tour Guide Spices up Tour by Revealing Which Famous Buildings Have Slept Together

First Lady Cruises, which usually doesn’t offer an erotic version of its famous architecture cruise, assured that Robiel’s secret sexual history of Chicago’s skyline was sort of an “off menu option,” not unlike In-N-Out’s “animal style sandwich,” and not an indication of any sort of mental break on the part of the veteran guide.

Chicago’s Olympians Welcomed Back With Garland of Sport Peppers

Sport peppers, the official pepper of sports, have long been awarded to athletes from the Illinois region to symbolize their victory and provide them with a salty, tangy snack to replenish lost vigor.

Morton Rushing to Develop Salt Capable of De-Icing Atmosphere in Office After Layoffs

“In a normal salt-uation, we’d have this handled,” said Pete Renderer, 40, Director of Chemical Research for Morton, in a press conference. “But magnesium chloride only goes down to five degrees, and a single tense sigh from Wendy this morning brought us into the negatives.”

CTA Reintroduces Double Decker Trains as Ridership Returns

For his part, Buckinghamshire was confident that wouldn’t be a problem. “Subway? What, bleedin’ undergound trains? Are you daft? No, Chicago doesn’t have any o’ those. It’s L for ‘Elevated,’ innit?”  He smiled confidently as he patted the nose of the nearest railcar. “Don’t you worry, love. Not a bother.”

Delta Variant Spotted at Lollapalooza Covered in Glitter, Drinking Vodka From a Waterbottle

“I’m flying back to Colorado through O’Hare, I can’t wait to tell everyone I meet that I met DV.” 

Chicago Waste Study Finds Chicago Could Improve Recycling Numbers By Recycling

City Council plans to begin discussing some of these recommendations in August’s city council meeting, although Chicago Genius Herald sources indicate that many aldermen have already expressed bewilderment at the very concept of recycling.

Man Starts Hydrating for Lollapalooza Now

“I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it, I’d better have another glass of water,” said Bragg, refilling one of three glasses of water in front of him during our interview. “The real trick is staying hydrated enough that I don’t turn into a withered husk and collapse into a pile of dust like one of the bad treasure hunters in Brendan Fraiser’s The Mummy without ever having to go stand in line for an hour to pee in a sauna-like port-a-john.”

Time Traveler? Maskless Man Sitting Next to People on the Train Must Be From 2019

“It was like everyone knew,” said Carol, “the moment he got off everyone seemed to breathe easier. That guy was definitely on a mission to the future. Either that or he’s just some contrarian asshole who refuses to wear a mask on the train as some sort of half-assed protest daring people to say something. Unfortunately it’s impossible to tell which one is which, so I’m going to be safe and assume Terminator.”

Cubs To Require All Foul Balls Be Returned In Cost-Cutting Move

Wrigley Field ushers have become overzealous in pursuit of “ball thieves,” as the Cubs clubhouse puts it.