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No One Has Heart To Tell Doughy Out-Of-Towners That Photo Of Marina Towers Going To Look Like Complete Shit

The Runcibles, who hail from Milwaukee, were reportedly seen on the State St. Bridge around 4 p.m. on May 3rd, trying their absolute hardest to get a good angle on the Marina Towers and by all indicated reports making a real hash of it.

Tribune Tower Always Dreamed Of Life As Sparsely Populated Luxury Condos

“I’ll miss all of my co-workers at Tribune Media,” the building continued, “but when I really started being honest with myself, I’ve always fantasized about contributing to the increasing income disparity of my city by providing shelter to some of its most affluent citizens in the heart of our deeply characterless and bland downtown.”

Everyone on Train Listening to Own Podcast

“I’m actually just listening to make sure this holds up to our standards before we release it” recounted David Dennis, who records his ironic bad-business-idea podcast “Entrepremanure” into a first generation iPod Touch that was recently dropped into wet sidewalk cement.

Spring Snow Reminder That Nothing Matters, Also Money Is Fake, Heaven and Hell Here on Earth

“When I wake up and look outside and see it’s snowing in late April, I feel like God is playing a sick joke on me,” said Gwen Esteves, 26, “but then I’m reminded that God was a lie invented to keep us from panicking about our own mortality. Personally, I no longer fear death. If it’s snows one more time I’m going to go outside and let it claim me.”

Patrons at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville Navy Pier Conscripted into Naval Service

Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville has assured customers that the press-ganging of diners into service was a limited-time promotion at their Navy Pier location, and would not be offered at any location “you can’t park a boat outside of.”

"Hot" Couture: These Trend-Setters Plan On Wearing Their Parkas Until June

Despite temperatures approaching the 50s and into the 60s in coming weeks, Chicagoland resident Aimee Dresden, 31, has announced that she plans to wear her North Face® parka until June, “just to be safe.”

Tired Art Institute Security Guard Kisses Last Painting Goodnight, Turns Off Lights

The nightly ritual, which sees a rotation of security personnel stopping by each and every object on display in the museum to lovingly kiss them and whisper “goodnight, sweetie,” has been part of museum protocol since 1987.

Wait Wait...Don't Carry Me! WBEZ To End Controversial "Peter Sagal's Palanquin Bearer" Internship

However, proponents of the internship insist that many palanquin-bearers go on to do great things—Robert Krulwich’s current cupbearer is a former intern, and innumerable others staff the Gimlet Media ancestral open-concept loft office as scullery maids, rampart guards and more.

Shuttered Garrett’s Popcorn Location Declared Superfund Site

EPA officials were seen exiting the site in HAZMAT suits covered in CaramelCrisp drizzle and were overheard saying “at least now we don’t have to wait in line for this garbage.”

“The Warmth was in You The Whole Time,” Tearful Heat Lamps Bid Farewell to Chicagoans Till Next Year

After a Winter of bringing a slight change to the frigid temperatures on platforms, Chicago’s CTA heat lamps bid a tearful farewell to the populace as they were turned off till next Winter, saying