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Family Video CEO Gives Thumbs Up As He Sinks Into Vat of Molten DVD Cases
GLENVIEW — As news broke this week that Midwestern rental video chain Family Video is closing its doors after 42 years in business, many Chicagoans lamented the death of the last remainder of a byg
Michael Jordan Statue Retiring from United Center to Spend Year Outside Baseball Stadium
NEAR WEST SIDE — The sculpture world turned on its head Thursday morning when the Michael Jordan statue inside the United Center announced that it will be retiring from its position to pursue its l
Real Life Avengers: The Toilet Fraud Guy Is Calling For Donald Trump To Be Impeached
J.B. Pritzker is basically the same as Tony Stark but if he loved Steve Miller Band and the Eagles, didn’t have a robotic exosuit and once ripped five toilets out of the second floor of a $3.2 million mansion he and his wife weren’t even living in so it could be technically classified as a vacant building he only needed to pay 10% of market value’s tax on.
Converted Apartments in Old Church Haunted By Ghost of Jesus
Recently, residents of the converted Second Church of Christ Scientist in Lincoln Park have begun to report sightings of a long haired specter dressed in white rags who keeps quoting Bible verses, which they claim is the ghost of Jesus Christ.
Chicago’s Top Financial Advisors Urging Chicagoans To Spend $600 Stimulus Check On Thick-Soled Leather Boots, “For The Road Will Be Hard And Unforgiving”
The road will be hard, and only thick-soled boots will help you walk it.
Christmas Tree Recycled Into Christmas Tree Stock
“The secret is to leave in a couple ornaments, for flavor.”
Uh Oh: Benny The Bull To Decide Who Gets Vaccine First, And He HATES Old People With Asthma
In an unprecedented move by Governor Pritzker and the City of Chicago, beloved mascot Benny the Bull has been given total decision-making power over vaccine distribution within the city limits, despite his well known biases towards old people with asthma.
Inspiring! Starbucks Partners with COVID-19 To Deliver Killing Blows To 50% Of Chicago Restaurants
By destroying these local restaurants through inaction and bureaucratic incompetence, Starbucks and other large chains will be able to assimilate seamlessly into the hollowed-out corpses of smaller businesses done in by the pandemic.
Bears To Celebrate New Years' With Traditional Ball Drop
According to Bears head coach Matt Nagy, 42, “As much as I’ve tried to prevent this, these Bears just can’t be stopped. On New Years’, it’s an old Bears tradition: they plan on letting the ball fall fully to the ground. God help me.” Nagy buried his face in his hands before gesturing defeatedly at the excited players rolling around in the fresh snow.
“2020 is Almost Over!” Reminds Friend Who Thinks Time is Like Chapters in a Book or Some Shit
Watts, who according to friends frequently refers to 2020 as a “dumpster fire” and posts “damn you, 2020!” to his social media accounts when a celebrity dies, has increasingly frustrated and concerned those close to him with his personification of the year, which is a measured span of time and not a living being.
