Chicago
The Latest
A Somber John Kass Has Asked to Be Excused From the Dinner Table Because He Thought About an Imaginary Leftist and Spoiled His Appetite
“I’m sorry,” Kass is reported to have mumbled after a full ten minutes of silence elapsed without responding to his wife’s question of whether he liked the casserole or not. “I have thought about a leftist whose politics don’t align with my own and no longer wish to eat. May I be excused?”
A Vain Prince Is Still Trapped Within The Lookingglass Theatre Looking Glass
Lookingglass Theatre has long been a repository for enchanted artifacts from many of the playhouses around town, from Michael Shannon’s Seven League Boots to David Schwimmer’s original face, but its enchanted Looking Glass remains one of the most potent—and dangerous. Despite this, it’s prominently placed next to the concession area within the lobby.
Lightfoot Set to Remove City's Outdated Lead Pipes, Revolvers, Candlesticks, Ropes, Daggers, and Wrenches
“I found lead pipes in my kitchen. And dining room. And lounge. It’s an epidemic.”
Chicago Invokes Ancient Alliance With Cheese Castle, Bristol Ren Faire to Secure Northern Border
The military forces, composed of “as many goode Pikes and Halberds as our Captains could muſter, and several Mechanicall Engines of ingenious make” will enforce Chicago’s updated travel order starting Thursday.
DraftKings Relaunches in Illinois With New Option to Directly Link to Your Kids’ College Fund
“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”
Scientists Warn That Warming Temperatures Put Chicago "Dangerously Close" To Ideal Conditions For ‘Predator 2’ Remake
We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".
Chicagoans Can Get Free Flu Shots...But Should They? Yes
Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes.
Chicago Real Estate Developer Replaces Aging Greystone With Single Pane of Glass
“Nowadays people don’t want a generous porch, or beautifully recessed windows. They want to feel like they’re living inside John Wick’s House,” said Michael Matthew Carter, 42, project manager for Platinum.
Southport Moms Get Tangled up, Create Mom King
“It was a whirlwind of lululemon tank tops and UGG boots. Dog leash here, gym tote there, pizza here, stroller there. Everything just came together perfectly. Almost like it was how nature intended.”
“If You Love Something, Set It Free” Says Man Pushing Yacht Out of DuSable Harbor
“Fuck, I’m gonna miss that boat, dude. She was good, and pure, and I had sex on it,” Gregg said, sighing heavily. “When you have a boat, you don’t even remember what it’s like not to have a boat.”
