Chicago
The Latest
Lightfoot Changes Name to Leadfoot, Urges City to "Witness Her"
Throwing a complex sequence of kill switches early Tuesday morning, Mayor Lightfoot, recently under fire for having the city of Chicago dismiss 10 red light and speed camera tickets for her personal detail, started up her armored war rig.
Below-32 Reading at O’Hare Prompts Early Use of Plane Cozies
A high-pressure system traveling over Chicago this Friday brought area temperatures into the mid-twenties, resulting in one of the first temperature readings below freezing this fall at Chicago’s o
Bears QB Mitch Trubisky Put in Charge of Bringing Snacks So He Doesn’t Feel Too Bad About Getting Benched for the Season
“Sometimes he’ll try to give an orange slice to a player who has three or four other players around him. He just doesn’t see yet that they don’t want the snack.”
Lightfoot to Pardon All CPD Misconduct Charges in Lieu of a Turkey This Thanksgiving
“What a pardon would mean to me…” mused Police Officer Jared Petrochi, 32. “Not a whole lot, actually. We’re pretty insulated from that kind of thing by the department. But hey, maybe the superintendent would appreciate it.”
Martin Merchandise Has Plumbed The Depths Of King Groupon's Tomb—And Returned With Forbidden 2-for-1 Deals On Brazilian Waxes
Full of death traps, plunging falls and much more, Merchandise stressed that this adventure wasn’t all derring-do and heroics. “We had ourselves a couple of tight spots crawling through the abandoned Snarf’s Sandwiches in the bottom floor of the Groupon Ziggurat,” he said.
Shedd Penguins Added to Chicago Bears Defensive Roster Until Aquarium Reopens
“Their enclosure is being rented out for really specific sex parties while the aquarium is closed. We didn’t want the birds anywhere near what’s going on in those tanks right now.”
Man Prepares for Winter Shutdown By Squirreling Away Bottles of Liquor Around Apartment
LAKEVIEW — With more stay-at-home orders looming and Winter approaching, David Fowler, 26, has started squirreling away bottles of liquor around his two bedroom apartment in Lakeview in preparation
Illinois Man Already Restricting Activities Not Sure What Else Pritzker Wants From Him
“I guess I’ll just go die then.”
Cases up! Announces Fry Cook Sliding COVID-19 Surge Across Counter to Waitress
“Oh, we love it here,” said customer Sarah Katch, 32, enjoying a plate of viral eggs in a booth with her husband and friends. “Legally they have to serve us, and that’s super refreshing in a time like this.”
Bird™ Scooters Begin Annual Migration South
As we do every year, we’ll certainly miss their opaque pricing structure and dangerous interaction with bike lanes, but this natural phenomenon is absolutely majestic to watch.
