Chicago
The Latest
Rat Feeling Left Out Of This Particular Plague Narrative
“Come on, make us the villain, we can take it!”
Mayor Lightfoot Lowers Bridges Into River
“No one said how low they wanted the bridges, just that they wanted them lower,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “It’s not my problem if you all ‘monkey pawed’ yourselves.”
Suburbs Mourn Part of Chicago That Felt Like Suburbs
“The Nordstrom on Mag Mile was my Chicago ‘happy place,’” said Danelle Harris, 60, retired, from Mount Prospect, IL. “When I start feeling out of place in the big city at least I could go in and condescend to an hourly employee about something obviously outside their control. You can’t find that experience elsewhere in the city. Or at least I’ve never looked.”
CPS Announces Remote Learning Plan: Every Child Gets One Zoobook
“Kids love learning about animals, and soon they’ll each receive a single issue of the popular Zoobook series so they can learn about one kind of animal each. Maybe it’ll be Big Cats, or Eagles, or Sharks.”
In Last Ditch Effort, Pritzker to Trick COVID Into Thinking Illinois Uninhabited by Removing All State’s Toilets
"If it can lower property taxes, it can lower our infection rate.”
Lightfoot Suspends White Drug Arrests, Honoring Lost Festival Season
“Look at them. All glittered up and nowhere to go. I want these white people to know that they can use their party drugs while social distancing and still get the same legally-overlooked high as they would at Lolla.”
Lightfoot Temporarily Removes Columbus Statues, Assigns Them Racial Sensitivity Training, Desk Duty
"Getting rid of these statues is just not feasible. Instead, we need to focus on reforming these statues through more training and the lightest punishment possible.”
Chicago Health Officials Advise Avoiding Crowded Bars “Unless It’s Jessica’s Birthday”
Jessica, last name withheld, 26, a paralegal who lives in River North, was especially exempt from the Department’s advisement due to her long-planned upcoming birthday outing.
Stephanie Izard Opens New Restaurant Named 'Leftover Goat'
“Stephanie has done it again. I mean, two dollars for soupless Xiao Long Bao? Incredible.”
Police Union President Proposes Replacing CPS Teachers With Cops
“Everyone complains all the time about schools being underfunded,” Catamaran said. “You know what department has never been underfunded? The freakin’ police! If you surrender your schools to us, I guarantee we’ll have a tank in every school parking lot by 2021.”
