The Latest

Lori Lightfoot Thanks All Protestors Who Peacefully Stayed Home, Didn’t Make Signs or Call Her Office

“Protesting is American,” said Mayor Lightfoot, “But it is critical that Chicagoans do it in a way that does not disrupt business or make anyone feel uncomfortable. So when I see folks try to take advantage of a tragic situation by expressing their anger in a tangible way, that is simply unacceptable.”

Leaked: Chicago Tribune’s Cancel Culture Hit Piece Template

The petition demanded [list of demands, but make them sound scary]. These, at a time when [reason why change is scary] are insurmountable demands.

Mayor Lightfoot Debuts Police Reform Plan to Change the C in CPD to “Cool”

“I’ve heard the voices of our citizens in the streets, and while I cannot defund the police, I can re-fun the police!” 

Local Sex Shop Offering New Edible Face Masks For Couples

"We noticed many other retailers had started making face masks, and that’s when it hit us: why not put a pleasurable spin on this social distancing necessity?"

Lounging Chicago Police Still Somehow Destructive

Officers confirmed that CPD “basically takes an open window as an invitation to go in and do what we want” and “we’ve done dis tons of times, way more than people know. We get sleepy a lot.” 

Nature Is Healing! The Mermen Have Returned To Lower Wacker

“FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE DREAMT,” hissed Ichthous Spumous XI, 567, the 7-foot tall King of the Mermen told The Chicago Genius Herald when reporters caught up with him as he patrolled the flooded River Walk. 

Six Flags Great America to Reopen for Only One Person at a Time

Until the park fully reopens, however; park management has informed the remaining 5% of staff that they will be performing 100% of the duties. 

To Encourage Social Distancing, CTA Encouraging Riders To Ride On Top

Customers will be instructed to board and exit through a small rope ladder on the side of the bus.

Mayor Lightfoot Infiltrates, Then Busts Record-Breaking 1000 Person Fuckfest

Several SWAT teams broke into The Grand Procession Of Sex and started subduing Carnivalgoers with mace, zip ties and handcuffs, much to their delight.

Chicagoan Struggling to Embrace Visible Roots After Two Months Without the Salon

“Benny takes a lot of pride in his hair,” said basketball enthusiast Michael Jordan, 57. “He gets it dyed twice a month. I think it looks awesome, and I hope his natural color isn’t gross.”