Despite temperatures approaching the 50s and into the 60s in coming weeks, Chicagoland resident Aimee Dresden, 31, has announced that she plans to wear her North Face® parka until June, “just to be safe.”
The nightly ritual, which sees a rotation of security personnel stopping by each and every object on display in the museum to lovingly kiss them and whisper “goodnight, sweetie,” has been part of museum protocol since 1987.
However, proponents of the internship insist that many palanquin-bearers go on to do great things—Robert Krulwich’s current cupbearer is a former intern, and innumerable others staff the Gimlet Media ancestral open-concept loft office as scullery maids, rampart guards and more.
EPA officials were seen exiting the site in HAZMAT suits covered in CaramelCrisp™ drizzle and were overheard saying “at least now we don’t have to wait in line for this garbage.”
“The Warmth was in You The Whole Time,” Tearful Heat Lamps Bid Farewell to Chicagoans Till Next Year
After a Winter of bringing a slight change to the frigid temperatures on platforms, Chicago’s CTA heat lamps bid a tearful farewell to the populace as they were turned off till next Winter, saying
Dave Hillger, the self-appointed emperor and sole resident of Davekanda, has already issued dire warnings to any that might encroach on his nation’s soil.
“They probably can’t read the signs” said local dullard Tim Jeffries. “I can’t believe I’m the only one saying this.”
“I Heard It’s Going to be an Early Spring,” Predicts Asshole Who Knows Nothing
“What the fuck!” proclaimed Markus Delante of Lower West Side as a 2009 Honda Civic piously accelerated into a pure trough of winter slop, anointing Markus in the holy gray gunk.
“There was just like a real crisp fiver, then a wet snapping sound, and then like, all these screams."