Chicago
The Latest
Lightfoot to Pardon All CPD Misconduct Charges in Lieu of a Turkey This Thanksgiving
“What a pardon would mean to me…” mused Police Officer Jared Petrochi, 32. “Not a whole lot, actually. We’re pretty insulated from that kind of thing by the department. But hey, maybe the superintendent would appreciate it.”
Martin Merchandise Has Plumbed The Depths Of King Groupon's Tomb—And Returned With Forbidden 2-for-1 Deals On Brazilian Waxes
Full of death traps, plunging falls and much more, Merchandise stressed that this adventure wasn’t all derring-do and heroics. “We had ourselves a couple of tight spots crawling through the abandoned Snarf’s Sandwiches in the bottom floor of the Groupon Ziggurat,” he said.
Shedd Penguins Added to Chicago Bears Defensive Roster Until Aquarium Reopens
“Their enclosure is being rented out for really specific sex parties while the aquarium is closed. We didn’t want the birds anywhere near what’s going on in those tanks right now.”
Man Prepares for Winter Shutdown By Squirreling Away Bottles of Liquor Around Apartment
LAKEVIEW — With more stay-at-home orders looming and Winter approaching, David Fowler, 26, has started squirreling away bottles of liquor around his two bedroom apartment in Lakeview in preparation
Illinois Man Already Restricting Activities Not Sure What Else Pritzker Wants From Him
“I guess I’ll just go die then.”
Cases up! Announces Fry Cook Sliding COVID-19 Surge Across Counter to Waitress
“Oh, we love it here,” said customer Sarah Katch, 32, enjoying a plate of viral eggs in a booth with her husband and friends. “Legally they have to serve us, and that’s super refreshing in a time like this.”
Bird™ Scooters Begin Annual Migration South
As we do every year, we’ll certainly miss their opaque pricing structure and dangerous interaction with bike lanes, but this natural phenomenon is absolutely majestic to watch.
Lincoln Park Hot Dog Restaurant Thrives Amid Pandemic, Is Not Drug Front
Genius Herald reporters were assured of as much during the visit, where they were greeted by some of Kalacik’s associates informing them that they “weren’t gonna find nothing” and “won’t have anything to report much longer.”
Mayor’s Office: “What Chicago Lacks in Protected Bike Lanes, It More Than Makes up for in Ground-up Mixtures of Cyclist Flesh, Asphalt and Twisted Metal”
THE LOOP — Despite reports that Chicago lags well behind other cities in the nation when it comes to protected bike lanes, the Mayor’s Office has resisted this characterization by citing Chicago’s
2020 Christkindlmarket Mugs Dumped Into Lake Michigan to Create Artificial but Festive Reef
LAKE MICHIGAN — With this year’s Christkindlmarkets canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, organizers have made the decision to dump the entire supply of 2020 gluhwein mugs into Lake Michigan to cr
