The Latest

Chicago Invokes Ancient Alliance With Cheese Castle, Bristol Ren Faire to Secure Northern Border

The military forces, composed of “as many goode Pikes and Halberds as our Captains could muſter, and several Mechanicall Engines of ingenious make” will enforce Chicago’s updated travel order starting Thursday.

DraftKings Relaunches in Illinois With New Option to Directly Link to Your Kids’ College Fund

“With sports betting now on your phone, you can take gambling anywhere! On the toilet, in your home office, or out behind your recently re-mortgaged house where your spouse can’t find you.”

Scientists Warn That Warming Temperatures Put Chicago "Dangerously Close" To Ideal Conditions For ‘Predator 2’ Remake

We’re rapidly approaching what climatologists consider the "Predator 2 tipping point".

Chicagoans Can Get Free Flu Shots...But Should They? Yes

Chicagoans are wondering: should they get their flu shots? The answer to their question is yes. 

Chicago Real Estate Developer Replaces Aging Greystone With Single Pane of Glass

“Nowadays people don’t want a generous porch, or beautifully recessed windows. They want to feel like they’re living inside John Wick’s House,” said Michael Matthew Carter, 42, project manager for Platinum.

Southport Moms Get Tangled up, Create Mom King

“It was a whirlwind of lululemon tank tops and UGG boots. Dog leash here, gym tote there, pizza here, stroller there. Everything just came together perfectly. Almost like it was how nature intended.”

“If You Love Something, Set It Free” Says Man Pushing Yacht Out of DuSable Harbor 

“Fuck, I’m gonna miss that boat, dude. She was good, and pure, and I had sex on it,” Gregg said, sighing heavily. “When you have a boat, you don’t even remember what it’s like not to have a boat.”

Citing High Waves, National Weather Service Says Stay Out of Lake Michigan Unless You’re Ready to Shred Some Rad Chop

“Those waves will come out of nowhere broatmeal,” continued Harris. “Absolute lameoid move to get pulled in without your board. Not chill in my opinion.”

Rat Feeling Left Out Of This Particular Plague Narrative

“Come on, make us the villain, we can take it!”

Mayor Lightfoot Lowers Bridges Into River

“No one said how low they wanted the bridges, just that they wanted them lower,” said Mayor Lightfoot. “It’s not my problem if you all ‘monkey pawed’ yourselves.”