Chicago
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Left Unchecked, Red Line Expansions Could Spread All Over City By Mid-2040s, Providing Dangerous Levels Of Interconnectedness And Convenience
CHICAGO — With the construction of the Red-Purple Bypass at Belmont Station well underway and further expansions to the South Side of Chicago coming soon, according to the CTA, experts are beginnin
College Freshman Bemoans the “COVID-15,” Having Gained 15 Degrees In Body Temperature
ELMHURST — Home for the first time since packing up in August, freshman college student Amy Petras, 18, is bemoaning the infamous “COVID-15,” having gained 15 degrees in body temperature during her
The Bonehammer Has Been Chosen as This Year's Christmas Train
“Bonehammer’s been here since before the CTA was just a twinkle in the city’s eye, and I reckon it’ll be here long after my children’s children have been torn to shreds under its wheels during ‘The Final Commute’.”
Desperate Matt Nagy assembles Franken-Passer from crushed QB remains
In an effort to save his job and salvage the 2020 season, deranged Chicago Bears Head Coach Matt Nagy has cobbled together a monstrous new starting quarterback in his secret laboratory beneath Soldier Field.
Art Institute Closing Through End Of 2020 To Focus On Thinking Up Really Good New Year Resolution
“If we’re not focusing on how we can be a better museum come January first, why be open to the public at all?”
CPS Only Has Budget to Teach Annoying Instruments
THE LOOP-- Facing yet another round of devastating budget cuts, the Chicago Public School (CPS) system announced Monday that its music programs will only be able to afford the annoying instruments
Ald. Lopez Reverses Anti-Puppy Mill Stance After Trying on Luxurious Dalmatian-Skin Coat
“This is a complete reversal of legislation that took us years to bring to Chicago,” said Amy Canton, a representative of the Illinois branch of the Humane Society, “But he does look really cool in that coat. I’m not saying my position on this subject could be changed, but perhaps a sleek Weimaraner-skin vest would, I don’t know, help me see things in a different, more fashion-forward light.”
Lightfoot Changes Name to Leadfoot, Urges City to "Witness Her"
Throwing a complex sequence of kill switches early Tuesday morning, Mayor Lightfoot, recently under fire for having the city of Chicago dismiss 10 red light and speed camera tickets for her personal detail, started up her armored war rig.
Below-32 Reading at O’Hare Prompts Early Use of Plane Cozies
A high-pressure system traveling over Chicago this Friday brought area temperatures into the mid-twenties, resulting in one of the first temperature readings below freezing this fall at Chicago’s o
Bears QB Mitch Trubisky Put in Charge of Bringing Snacks So He Doesn’t Feel Too Bad About Getting Benched for the Season
“Sometimes he’ll try to give an orange slice to a player who has three or four other players around him. He just doesn’t see yet that they don’t want the snack.”
