Chicago

The Latest

Walgreens Cooler Screen Playing Shrek 2 Again

The doors started to play Shrek 2 in its entirety on a loop early this week. Employees have tried multiple solutions short of reading the manual, but Shrek remains.

Starbucks Roastery Offers Union Members Free Tour of Giant Coffee Vats Someone Might Fall Into, God Forbid

Once inside, multiple workers pointed out what appeared to be human skulls bobbing at the surface of the industrial-sized vats of joe, but Wilder assured the special guests that they were merely “coffee bones.”

Starbucks Reserve Roastery Begins Roasting The Bean

“Like many businesses we’ve been facing supply chain issues,” said Candie Jameson, 43, a Senior Bean Counter (literal) for at the Starbucks Reserve Roastery. “And by utilizing this great natural resource in the center of our city, we expect to be able to keep our customers regular for years to come.”

Music Box Staff Frantically Rehearsing Choreography After Misplacing “White Christmas”

When the theater staff was unable to locate the film for the showing this weekend, staff scrambled to avoid disappointing moviegoers, landing on an unusual solution: current reports indicate that employees are attempting to rehearse and stage the famous musical — live — in the days preceding the planned event.

The CTA Holiday Train is Back, and This Year’s Theme is Presidents Day

This year's train will not only feature a spectacular light display, but also quiet reverence for the men who have served this nation as commander in chief. The train will travel all the CTA train lines from now until the week of Christmas, which has been the theme for the last several years.

Omicron Variant’s Friends and Family Keep Warning It About the Crime and Cold Weather Before Spreading to Chicago

“It’s cheaper than New York, has excellent food, and I look forward to finishing off what’s left of the improv scene. I’ll just buy a big coat, it’s not that bad.”

Oh No: The New Chicago Ward Map Is Out, and One of the Wards Is Dick-Shaped

City Clerk Anna M. Valencia said "We’re disappointed that somebody has penetrated this sacred, untarnished, trustworthy, respectable, clean, honorable, working process and made it a childish joke."

Bean Returns Home To Giant’s Castle In Sky For Thanksgiving

After packing its bags and scheduling the requisite PTO, the Bean is returning home to its native castle in the sky for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Horrifying: The Train Is Standing for Signal Clearance

“I didn’t think the announcement ‘standing for signal clearance’ was a literal thing,” said onlooker Ricky Martin (no relation), 55. “I figured it was code for waiting for the driver to sober up or something. But nope, there it was, standing up on two beautiful gams.”

Construction Halted on Belmont Flyover as Crews Struggle to Find Allen Wrench They Dropped

The allen wrench, a short length of bent metal with a 3mm hexagonal shaping on the end, is a popular tool in the construction of modern furniture and public works projects. A study conducted in 2015 by the Department of the Interior found that nearly two thirds of public works projects fail because someone was fooling around or being a space case and lost the allen wrench that came with the construction materials.