Chicago
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Birders Attribute Monty the Piping Plover’s Death to Rare “Avian Swag Overload”
In the wake of Monty’s passing, many birders promise to celebrate and appreciate Chicago’s other avian living landmark, Derek the Great Blue Heron Who Fucks Hard.
AC Unit Steadied With Brick, Plate, Book, Human Femur
BRIDGEPORT— After last week’s heatwave, Chicagoans are looking for ways to keep cool as summer approaches.
Friend Visiting From Out of Town Hoping You Had Some Ideas
Your friend, who wasn’t sure what airport they were arriving at and texted you “where do the trains go??” at 6AM, arrived for a long weekend in Chicago with only a carry-on and immediately asked what your plan was for their time in Chicago.
Aldermen Decide on Final “Magic Eye” Ward Map
“Our goal here was to redraw the Chicago’s wards to address the most recent census data,” said Ald. Michelle Harris, who spearheaded the map redrawing process. “If in addressing those changes we made it so that if you unfocus your eyes you can see a dolphin jumping over the moon, so be it.”
Local Actor Getting the Feeling He’s the Only One Left Who Hasn’t Booked Chicago PD, Med or Fire
“Honestly it’s not even the kind of work I want to do, but it’s become something bigger than that now. It’s a matter of pride and I’m not giving up, even if I have to wait until NBC launches their follow up series, Chicago Sanitation.”
Tom Skilling Completes Summer Summoning Ritual
“Sorry I got kind of a late start this year,” said a perspiring Skilling, eyes blazing from the burning dimensional energies siphoned from the aether. “I’ve heard some blame climate change for the dreary Spring, but the climate doesn’t change until I say so. ”
Red Line Chosen as Future Chicago Casino Site
Some Red Line regulars like Larry Richards, 43, who has been running a Three-card Monte hustle for the past decade, were less in favor- “First legalizing weed, now this, the city just wants all small business owners like myself to go under.”
Source of West Loop Chocolate Smell Discovered to Be One Really Big Yankee Candle
The sweet aroma can be attributed to one really big Yankee candle, owned by Georgia Hozmin, 27, who lives in a nearby condo building.
Elves Released From Dinkel’s Bakery
“We thank the Dinkel family for all they’ve done for us,” said Prince Winkle-Krinkle, heir to the candy throne, “but now it time for us to return to Dinkland, a land of sugar and bright colors, where the water is as sweet as honey wine and the air smells of caramel. It is in what you call ‘Virginia.’”
Man’s Backpack Taking Up Entire Train Car
“There are elderly people and expectant mothers on this train who’d like to sit down, and many of them were crushed to death.”
