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Air And Water Show Stretches Into Second Week As Military Fails To Contain Giant, Radioactive Rahm Emanuel

The first indication that things weren’t going to plan came early on Saturday morning, when Mr. Emanuel, now a 50-foot-tall glowing monstrosity capable of exhaling a devastating atomic heat ray, made his way to the Lakefront from the now-destroyed neighborhood of Ravenswood.

Headliners JB and The Pritzkers Insist They Earned Their Spot At Lollapalooza Just Like Everybody Else

When asked about the disparity between their plum spot in the Lolla lineup and their <1,000 Spotify streams, Linda Pritzer rolled her professionally whitened eyes. “Listen, we sent in an audition CD just like everybody else.”

New Rat Exhibit at Field Museum Definitely Not Rebranded Rat Infestation

The new, permanent exhibit, which takes place on every floor and in every gallery of the historic museum, highlights the evolution of modern rat as well as giving visitors a chance to see numerous live rats.

Everyone on Train Listening to Own Podcast

“I’m actually just listening to make sure this holds up to our standards before we release it” recounted David Dennis, who records his ironic bad-business-idea podcast “Entrepremanure” into a first generation iPod Touch that was recently dropped into wet sidewalk cement.

Dib-D Spot Declared Sovereign Nation

Dave Hillger, the self-appointed emperor and sole resident of Davekanda, has already issued dire warnings to any that might encroach on his nation’s soil.