After Ending Cash Bail, Illinois Officials Reassure Constituents They Still Have Lots of Other Ways to Criminalize Poverty
Together with other Illinois Officials, Matthews reaffirmed his devotion to the work of creating bureaucratic red tape that makes living under the poverty line near-impossible.
Speaker Chris Welch Addresses Illinois House for the First Time by Putting Mike Madigan on Speakerphone, Holding Phone up
“I want to assure you all that Rep. Welch will be fully in control of his role as speaker of the house,” said Rep Madigan over the phone, “but I will occasionally pop in via phone or maybe just brood in the background behind him like a Sith Lord.”
The pilot program gives Chicagoans the option to rent any one of the 10,000 reusable face masks that Lime has left just sort of lying around the city.
Man Planning Post-COVID Reinvention Has It Narrowed Down to Aikido Guy, Banjo Guy or Selvedge Denim Guy
Leonas shared that early iterations of his post-COVID reinvention included becoming a Snake Guy, a Knife Guy or an “Aliens Are Real” Guy.
GLENVIEW — As news broke this week that Midwestern rental video chain Family Video is closing its doors after 42 years in business, many Chicagoans lamented the death of the last remainder of a byg
NEAR WEST SIDE — The sculpture world turned on its head Thursday morning when the Michael Jordan statue inside the United Center announced that it will be retiring from its position to pursue its l
J.B. Pritzker is basically the same as Tony Stark but if he loved Steve Miller Band and the Eagles, didn’t have a robotic exosuit and once ripped five toilets out of the second floor of a $3.2 million mansion he and his wife weren’t even living in so it could be technically classified as a vacant building he only needed to pay 10% of market value’s tax on.
Recently, residents of the converted Second Church of Christ Scientist in Lincoln Park have begun to report sightings of a long haired specter dressed in white rags who keeps quoting Bible verses, which they claim is the ghost of Jesus Christ.
Chicago’s Top Financial Advisors Urging Chicagoans To Spend $600 Stimulus Check On Thick-Soled Leather Boots, “For The Road Will Be Hard And Unforgiving”
The road will be hard, and only thick-soled boots will help you walk it.
In an unprecedented move by Governor Pritzker and the City of Chicago, beloved mascot Benny the Bull has been given total decision-making power over vaccine distribution within the city limits, despite his well known biases towards old people with asthma.